Taxiing in the "Not Yet" Zone

One word that has really resonated with my current season is this idea of taxiing on a plane.

When I moved out to Long Beach 7 months ago, I had high hopes for how it all would unfold. I assumed that I would have a few more things figured out by now. But the reality is, I am still very much in the thick of my transition. God has provided abundant, temporary provisions for me. Yet, I still have huge questions looming as I look towards the future.

I feel like I have landed. I'm here in Long Beach. A place I have come to love and call home. I can see out my window and see all that I came here for. I am experiencing tastes of what doing ministry in the city looks like. I am waiting, watching, legs cramped, exhausted, anticipating. So close. Yet, not quite there. Got my bags, ready to go. Yet, I am at the mercy of the pilot and his cue to empty the plane.

I feel so ready to jump out and start putting some of these deep, inward convictions into practice. To love and work towards the shalom of the city. I'm ready to be immersed. To be radically changed. For my heart's capacity to love to be stretched. To be surprised by God's work all around me. To join Him in it.

Yet, the practicality of finding a full-time job has put my life at a standstill. I find myself at the end of 2011 with a status update of "not yet."

To take this analogy another step forward, I feel like I have been privileged to fly first class in this temporary transition. God has blessed me with abundant provisions--an incredible home and people who have taken me in as family, beautiful children which give me so much joy and life, two incredible jobs that allow me to work with some incredible people, friendships that will last a lifetime, and opportunities to serve in the church and community.

However, planes were built to fly you from one destination to another. We're not meant to settle on the plane. We're meant to land and get off. And such is the nature of my transition. I was never meant to settle here. Which, at times, can make the in between a hard place to be.

If I allow myself to zoom out at the bigger picture, I realize that my view of what's ahead might be a little short-sighted:

Words from a wise man, "Consider the ‘long-view’. 'Don’t try to transform your neighborhood or city this year. Give it time. If you stay in a place for 30 years, you’ll be surprised what God does.' Buy a house. Have children. Develop friendships. Consider the Jeremiah strategy, not just Jonah’s'."

This wisdom is just a reminder to me that God's plans or timeline is not my own. He sees the bigger picture, where my human mind can only conceive what's in front of me. Most times, out of good intentions, I am so eager to move. But in my eagerness, I can also move ahead of God. The "not yet's" are just as important as the "yes's" from God. And endurance is what is needed in order to encounter long-term change.


So as I look towards 2012, I am both hopeful and learning to trust that the plan that God has laid out is what's best. That is why I'm here. Not for my own agenda. So I must be patient, ask God to strengthen my waiting muscles, and  help me be faithful in the "not yet" moments of my life.


Let me take my cues from Jeremiah and learn what it means to endure with hope.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 
and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  
and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts 
through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5).

Smitten

My little firefly.

He lights up my life.

Humility, Grace, and Thanksgiving

My church has been soaking in Genesis for the last few months, but lately chapters 2-3 have really been rocking my world. Genesis has been a sobering reminder of what God's intentions were for mankind, how easily man succumbed to sin, and how we can trace so much of our current problems in the world to the Fall.

Recognizing the gravity of my sin and the curse is deeply humbling. Here were some personal reflections that came out of meditating on these chapters.


The story of Adam of Eve just became extremely personal.
I see myself in the story of the Fall.
And I see the residue of the Fall all around me.
Satan is so deceptive and knows how to discreetly sow seeds of doubt, telling me that God cannot be trusted.
He whispers lies that make me feel small, insignificant, and unloved.
He twists the truth making sin seem harmless and satisfying.
I minimize my sin, generalize it, and do everything I can to escape its consequences.
I point the finger and blame, play the victim.
Shame and fear keep me hiding from those I love and those who love me.
At times, I'd rather live in condemnation because I have a hard time accepting a grace that is completely unearned. 
I am willing to settle for a conditional love which is completely dependent on my ability to perform, serve, and give.
I busy myself with things to avoid having to deal with the pain of loneliness and separation from God.
I, like man, work to survive because I am a single woman who has to care for herself.
I let the power of man "rule over me" and look to him for my worth.
Created for relationship, yet function in a self-sufficient way that avoids appearing weak or revealing my brokenness for fear of being a burden on others.
The curse. I know it so well.

There is such a fine line between condemnation and humility. For someone who can easily swing from complete denial of my sin to someone who also is incredible hard on myself, it is both good for me to take time to reflect on the sadness of sin and how it separates us from God. But, it is also incredibly important to recognize that this was NOT as God intended and NOT who I am in my fullness.

If we allowed ourselves to stay in the mindset of the Fall fixating on the soberness of our sinful state, this would lead us to despair. We would completely negate the work of the cross and God's ultimate grace displayed through Jesus. 

"Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus... For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace" (Romans 6:8-11,14).

However, when we forget where we came from and live our lives recklessly and pridefully apart from God, we "cheapen" the grace that "cost" Christ so much on our behalf (as Bonhoeffer writes about in "Cost of Discipleship").

"What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? ...For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death." (Romans 6:15-16, 20-21).

A heart that humbly accepts the propensity of God's grace is quick and unyielding to say, "where would I be, if not for your grace..." Humility must be a starting point if we want to be more grateful people.

In my pride and blindedness, I can easily become demanding with God: "Why don't I have these things in my life? Why me, Lord? You are so unfair." But who am I to make light of God's incredible mercy towards me? "And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them" (3:21). God could have easily just kicked Adam and Eve to the curb for having disobeyed him. But rather, God showed compassion, and made clothes for them. This was NOT His best for them and they would have to live with the consequences of their sin, but this was not the end of the story. The Lord's trigger finger was mercy.

When I see this story in light of God's mercy, I am in awe. Why would God choose to love someone like me who has nothing to offer Him and constantly chooses to live for myself instead of Christ? Grace. When I stop and think about God's grace.... I am completely humbled. That's the gospel. Thankfulness becomes the natural overflow of a heart that comes to accept God's grace for what it is... completely unearned, abundant, and good.

I am coming to see what Paul meant when he said: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God's grace is enough. At times it feels more abundant than others, but it is always enough. May the Lord keep my heart humble, dependent on His grace, and deeply thankful. It's not natural, but I believe this is the road to freedom.

****************************

So with that, here's some simple, yet profound words which struck me this week from Michael Ramsey, former Archbishop of Canterbury:

"How to Grow in Humility"

Thank God often.

Take care of the confession of your sin.

Be ready to accept humiliation.

Do not be worried about status.

Use your sense of humor (laugh often; be serious, but never solemn).

My Home Away from Home

I couldn't be any more grateful for this beautiful family and how they have welcomed me into their home....

Isaac & Chloe getting dirty

Marcus, a.k.a. "Bug-a-boo"

Chloe behind the wheel

Play time

Celebrating this amazing woman's birthday

Andre & Gaby: mentors, housemates, friends

Unsettled and Settling

When I moved in with a family from my church earlier this summer, I was thinking 2-3 months was about the time frame that I would need in this time of transition.
I put my stuff in temporary storage (aka: my friends' guest bedroom in her house).
And brought maybe 15% of my belongings with me.
My thinking was--2-3 months, I would have a job.
I would be looking for an apartment.
This season was meant to be short-term.

Now 4 months later, I find myself in a very different situation.
Grateful to have 2 part-time jobs that I love and are a huge blessing (although one is short-term).
Building relationships with others who are passionate about the city of Long Beach and are making me fall in love with this place.
Feeling more and more at home living with this family.
Enjoying 3 beautiful kids which bring me so much joy and life.
Getting to live alongside one of the most amazing women I know and respect.
Okay with living simply. Who knew that I wouldn't miss the other 85% of my stuff?
Inheriting free furniture along the way (anticipating the move) but for now makes my room look like a storage closet.
The list goes on...

Current State of my Room 

This picture really captures this season in a nutshell.
A mattress just waiting to be used next to a desk where I work from home, both currently blocking my closet.
Not quite settled, yet functioning.
Unideal, yet gifts in disguise.

Sure, I would love to have full-time meaningful work with benefits right now.
I would love to be living in an apartment closer to the Westside where my church is invested in ministry.
I would love to have space to be volunteering my time to things I love.

But this is not the plan that the Lord has laid out for me right now.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of hoping that some sort of "normalcy" (whatever that is) will bring the peace and rest that I am looking for.
But this lie keeps us constantly spinning our wheels.
Striving, and yet missing out on the many gifts of today.
Maybe my picture of what's normal is not what the Lord has.
Or necessarily what is best.

Up until this point, resting was hard without having certain things secured in my life.
In the midst of the unsettledness which currently exists, I have choices to make.
Will I choose to believe in the good that each day holds?
Beyond my circumstances.
Beyond my relationship status.
Beyond my job status.
Beyond my financial status.
Beyond these other things that the world promises will bring the settledness we all long for as humans.

Somehow, God's promise to me a few weeks ago, "He settles the solitary in a home" (Ps 68:6) is bearing fruit.
Maybe just not in the ways I originally thought He would settle me.

Good News!!

I've picked up a new part-time dream job (well, at least for the next couple months)!!! 

Even though it is not permanent, this is seriously an extravagant gift right from the hand of the Father cause it had nothing to do with me, and the timing of it was right at the midnight hour.
Isn't that how God often works? At least, He likes to keep me waiting...

This one just fell on my lap.

Here's a little synopsis:

I met with the man this morning who will now be my boss! As I am walking up to the office where I am to meet him, he is sitting on the stairs chatting it up with some of the community members and volunteers. He greets me, and within the first 5 minutes of our conversation, he says "Don't worry. You don't have to be nervous or try to impress me. You've already been highly recommended, so if you're interested, I already want to hire you." I'm completely floored by his directness and warmth. As I take a deep breath, the conversation only gets better... 

He basically laid out the vision of Vision360 which is a national church planting movement which plans to focus its ministry here in Long Beach. They are getting ready to launch at the end of October. He is needing me for the next 2 months to help him with this big introductory event which includes local pastors, businessmen, and community leaders in the city. My pastor is actually on the board for this organization. It's an amazing opportunity for me to network and to be plunged into a CCDA-type movement right here in Long Beach!! (CCDA is the Community Development organization that I have been connected to for the last couple years).  

Here's a video which will give you a snapshot of what Vision360 is all about:

Vision 360 - Introduction from Ryan Prouty on Vimeo 

It's only a short-term assignment and is part-time, but in combination with my other part-time job working with my friend's guitar teaching business, it should tie me over until the end of November. AND I'll still have time to be looking for a full-time job. At the very least, it will provide invaluable contacts with other urban practioners who are committed to the transformation of the city.

I am so blown away by God's love and provision! This assignment is clearly an answer to prayer on so many levels!!  I don't know what my life will look like beyond mid-November which is my end date, but I am hopeful that God is up to something and this is just the beginning. :)

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human mind has conceived, 
the things which God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Cor. 2:9).

Floating in the "In Between"

2/3s of the year is gone.
1/3 of the year remains.
I don't normally think of my years in equal fractions, but there seems to be a correlation of seasons that align well.

The first 1/3 (Jan - Apr) was filled with celebration and closure.
I had my "last" meetings, one-on-ones, hiring of a staff I would not supervise, and for the RD who would replace me, and final banquets and goodbyes in Res Life.
I counted down the final days of my 20s and gave a welcome hello to my 30s.
Although sad to say goodbye to things which have brought me so much joy in the last few years, there was much anticipation of what this new season would hold.

In a very different season, the second 1/3 (May - Aug) has been filled with risk and stepping out.
This picture captures it perfectly.
I call it the "in between" space.
The open space where the trapeze artist lets go of the rope which is holding them securely in the air only to hope that their partner will catch them on the other side.
Floating in mid-air.
Seconds which probably feel like years.
Risking. Trusting. Hoping.
Feeling completely and utterly dependent.

This second 1/3 has been filled with all of the above.
I stepped out this past May and ran my very first half marathon, a goal that I had put off for the past 4 years. The risk for me was believing in myself that I would follow through with a challenge that I had set for myself, no matter how hard the training got.
I also stepped out and risked dating again. A risk which meant being willing to open up my heart again which was very significant for my healing process.
I risked musically... plunging myself into gospel style piano when there was a need for a keyboardist at my church, leading worship WHILE playing piano and singing, and giving free vocal coaching to an at-risk youth in order to help in her recovery process. All of which involved me putting myself out there and potentially exposing my limited and rusty skills for the sake of serving another.
But probably one of the biggest risks that I took was stepping out of my comfy, cozy job and and furnished apartment in order to be obedient to God's call to the city.
A risk taken, which for some in this economy, may not completely make sense.

I knew that whenever I stepped out from Res Life that major change was ahead.
But I also knew that if I let myself ignore God's nudging on my heart to be obedient to this calling towards the city, then my life would end up on a very different trajectory.
Fear would have its way.
And I'd be settling for what felt easy.
So I stepped out.
Into the great unknown.
Not putting my hope in the economy.
But rather in God.

As I look back on my life, I have learned that it is in the risking that we grow.
Not risking for the sake of risk.
But risking for the sake of obedience.
Most humans don't like that space "in between" because we feel very much out of control.
But I am convinced that growth doesn't happen when we settle for what's comfortable.

I may not necessarily enjoy all of the risks that God has led me into this season.
But if it is a matter of saying yes to fear versus saying yes to God, then heck yes...
I'm stepping out.

I don't know what this next 1/3 of the year holds, but I know that the safety net of God's will and provision is much more secure than anything I could fashion in my illusive grasp for control and comfort.

"Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life." - Donald Miller in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years