Summer 2012, Michelle moves into a house with 3 other women with the intention of together loving their community and making a positive impact in the neighborhood. 2 months later, she meets one of her neighbors, Sofia. At first introduction, Sofia is convinced that Michelle is the right match for her brother. A month passes and Michelle and Guillermo meet for the first time breaking the ice with "Hablas ingles?" The set up doesn't last very long, however, as Michelle starts dating another guy shortly after.
In a matter of 3 months, Michelle's world turns upside down with her job falling through, an unexpected break up, and her beloved abuelita suddenly landing up in the hospital. On a plane to Florida to be with family, confused and trying to make sense of it all, Michelle began to pray and ask God to restore all that had been lost in her life.
Meanwhile, Guillermo knew that there was something different about this girl and he couldn't just walk away. Daily texting her while she was in Florida, he reminded her that Jesus loved her and wasn't going to abandon her. He encouraged her with Scripture, with thoughtfulness, and with persistence. Finally, as she returned home, she decided that she would be open to going on a date with Guillermo.
One date turned into a second, and then a third. By the second date, she began to see him with a new set of eyes. There was chemistry, attraction, character, laughter, and they shared faith in Jesus. He began to gain her attention; however, with still so much up in the air in her life, she still was not ready to date seriously. He, on the other hand, was convinced that Michelle was the one for him so he waited patiently.
Meanwhile, six weeks later, as Michelle began to gain clarity regarding all that was unsettled in her life, Guillermo suffered through the waiting, not sure if Michelle would ever come around. By this point, Guillermo's persistence and long-suffering finally got Michelle's attention. It was as if a wool was lifted from her eyes and she could finally see him for the man he was. He completely won her heart and she finally was ready to say "yes" to take things to the next level.
Michelle wanted to do it in a special way. She recalled a memory of a time when she asked Guillermo about what he missed most from Guadalajara. He mentioned a story about a tradition in Guadalajara where men and women would walk on opposite sides of the side walk around this plaza. If a man saw a woman that he was interested in, he would give her a rose. However, if she gave him a rose back, then that meant that she was interested as well and they would walk on the same side of the sidewalk.
As Michelle remembered this story, she remembered that on each date that they went on, Guillermo gave Michelle a rose. So, she decided in a way of communicating her desire to take the next step, she wanted to give him a rose back. Her elaborate plans for an afternoon hike with their top of the mountain DTR (define the relationship) talk were quickly aborted as the perfect moment presented itself while they were talking in the car after Bible study one night. There was only one problem -- she didn't have a rose. Suddenly, she got out of the car -- Guillermo is clueless and confused -- and she walks down a few houses to search for a random bush with flowers. She grabs a nice looking flower and walks back to the car. Guillermo still clueless awaits, and Michelle says her shpeel about wanting to move forward with him and hands him the flower. He was speechless. He didn't know what to say. He just grabbed her hand and put it over his heart and it was beating out of his chest. The moment he never thought would happen was happening. Michelle said yes.
Three weeks later, they knew. Kind of like those stories where the couple just knows that this person is the one they want to marry. Well that was them. And well, the rest is history. God brought two unlikely people together who deeply love God and each other, coming from completely different stories and cultures, to fulfill plans that they can't even fathom yet. They are both ready for this new chapter that God has begun to write in their stories and are beyond grateful for the incredible gift God has given to us in marriage.
Stand Firm and Walk
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Llamame.
After a few weeks of some pretty dry spells and confusing circumstances, God has overwhelmed me with some powerful images of Himself.
In a prayer time with some ladies a couple weeks ago, I was surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth... "I feel like my desires don't matter to God." It had become apparent that so much of how I approach the Christian life is out of this place of duty and obligation. Living in a world of "should's." I should do this or that because that is the right thing to do. This may get you through the elementary stages of the Christian life, but if you continue to follow Christ with this mindset, you will find yourself resentful and bitter.
Like I did.
The last few months have been nothing but saying "yes" to him and pouring out into the community and Life Group. And as fruit has increased in these different ministries, other areas of my life began to fall apart. So as I sat on a plane to Florida with my life flashing before my eyes, wondering if this would be the last time I'd get to see my grandma as she was ill in the hospital, I cried out, "God, if this is you trying to get me to move back to Florida, I need you to change my heart."
As potential opportunities began to fall in my lap making it possible to move back to Florida, and job opportunities continued to close in California, I cried out to God in desperation: "I feel like a puppet on a string. I have absolutely no control in the way my life will go. I am completely at the mercy of God... do my desires not matter to you, God?"
Why the strong reaction?
Do I not love my family? Far from true.
Do I hate Florida? No.
Can God give me a love for Miami, Ft Lauderdale, or West Palm in the ways He gave me a love for Chicago and Long Beach? Definitely.
The strong reaction: I felt like God didn't see me. He didn't care about my desires. All the prayers and hopes of the last 5 years coming to a head in the last year of ministry felt worthless. The investment in my church community and neighborhood, prematurely cut off. The pressure I felt to move home made me resentful.
And here I was stuck in this world of "shoulds" again.
As I prayed with these women who know me well and love me, we stewed in the John 15 passage for a while (Jesus is the True Vine, We are the Branches passage). And God began to unravel a new script of the last few months right before my eyes...
"...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (John 15:2).
As I reflected in my previous blog post, God doesn't prune the dead branches. He prunes the ones that actually are bearing fruit so that they will bear more fruit.. A lightbulb went off. The last few months' loss were not indicative of disobedience, God punishing me, or God trying to redirect me. Rather, the last few months have revealed that God has actually been in the process of pruning me. Pruning me of things that I hold my security and worth for the purpose of making me even more fruitful for His kingdom. Clarity began to emerge.
The story line continued as I went for a day retreat a few days later...
"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (vs. 15).
I identify with this woman (pictured). She's on her knees, helpless, crying out for God's mercy. A servant. Trying to be faithful, but weary. "Friend? My master now says to call Him friend? Who am I that Jesus would call me friend?" There is an intimacy in friendship. A sense of knowing each other, enjoying each other, and wanting what is best for the other person. Friends do things for each other out of love. Not obligation. It's as if Christ sees this woman, lifts up her chin and says, "Rise. Walk with me. Abide with me. Let me make known to you all that I am doing." He's inviting me into a friendship that has absolutely nothing to do with what I can offer Him.
"God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons [and daughters]. And because you are [daughters], God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a [daughter], and if a [daughter], then an heir through God" (Gal 4:4-7).
"You are a part of my family. I have chosen you and adopted you as my own." The Father-daughter relationship is probably the relationship that feels the hardest for me to relate to as I don't have much to draw from in my life. But the term "adopted" is powerful to me. I know what it's like to have a Father figure in my life who chose to love me like a father even when mine was not there. God is inviting me to rest in His care as His daughter. He calls me His own, desires nothing but good for me, and promises to provide for my every need.
A few days later on the car ride home, I dusted off an old CD titled "Mellow Mix" from 2008 and put it into my car [yes, I admit to still using CDs. Welcome to the 21st century, I know]. As I listened, I came across an old favorite titled "Acres of Hope."
Give it a listen:
I was struck by the imagery: "He will allure her. He will pursue her. And call her out. To wilderness with flowers in His hand. She is responding, beat up and hurting, deserving death. But offerings of life are found instead."
Then the most powerful image, "Call me lover, marry me for good." In that moment, I dared to put myself in the story. Oh how I identified with this woman. And I just basked in the beauty of God singing over me, and leading me towards acres of hope. God was inviting me towards intimacy and healing.
You might be saying, what does all of this have to do with Florida, jobs, and family? It's this. God revealed to me two significant things over the course of the last few weeks of prayer and discernment.
One, although my heart is much more open to the possibility of moving back to Florida sometime in the future, it has become very apparent that my time here in Long Beach is not done. There has been so much good fruit borne in the last few months through investing in my neighborhood, Life Group, and ministry relationships, that it would be premature to leave just yet. I have much yet to learn in regards to community development, and I would love to do this alongside an incredible faith community and mentors who are doing it with me. I don't know where Florida fits in the timeline of my life, but all I know is "not now."
This experience just confirmed all the more that just because God closes a door in your life, doesn't mean that He's asking you to make some significant decision in another direction. If God is speaking for you to move in a different direction, He will confirm it in multiple ways. Not just through open doors.
In a prayer time with some ladies a couple weeks ago, I was surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth... "I feel like my desires don't matter to God." It had become apparent that so much of how I approach the Christian life is out of this place of duty and obligation. Living in a world of "should's." I should do this or that because that is the right thing to do. This may get you through the elementary stages of the Christian life, but if you continue to follow Christ with this mindset, you will find yourself resentful and bitter.
Like I did.
The last few months have been nothing but saying "yes" to him and pouring out into the community and Life Group. And as fruit has increased in these different ministries, other areas of my life began to fall apart. So as I sat on a plane to Florida with my life flashing before my eyes, wondering if this would be the last time I'd get to see my grandma as she was ill in the hospital, I cried out, "God, if this is you trying to get me to move back to Florida, I need you to change my heart."
As potential opportunities began to fall in my lap making it possible to move back to Florida, and job opportunities continued to close in California, I cried out to God in desperation: "I feel like a puppet on a string. I have absolutely no control in the way my life will go. I am completely at the mercy of God... do my desires not matter to you, God?"
Why the strong reaction?
Do I not love my family? Far from true.
Do I hate Florida? No.
Can God give me a love for Miami, Ft Lauderdale, or West Palm in the ways He gave me a love for Chicago and Long Beach? Definitely.
The strong reaction: I felt like God didn't see me. He didn't care about my desires. All the prayers and hopes of the last 5 years coming to a head in the last year of ministry felt worthless. The investment in my church community and neighborhood, prematurely cut off. The pressure I felt to move home made me resentful.
And here I was stuck in this world of "shoulds" again.
As I prayed with these women who know me well and love me, we stewed in the John 15 passage for a while (Jesus is the True Vine, We are the Branches passage). And God began to unravel a new script of the last few months right before my eyes...
"...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (John 15:2).
As I reflected in my previous blog post, God doesn't prune the dead branches. He prunes the ones that actually are bearing fruit so that they will bear more fruit.. A lightbulb went off. The last few months' loss were not indicative of disobedience, God punishing me, or God trying to redirect me. Rather, the last few months have revealed that God has actually been in the process of pruning me. Pruning me of things that I hold my security and worth for the purpose of making me even more fruitful for His kingdom. Clarity began to emerge.
The story line continued as I went for a day retreat a few days later...
"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (vs. 15).
I identify with this woman (pictured). She's on her knees, helpless, crying out for God's mercy. A servant. Trying to be faithful, but weary. "Friend? My master now says to call Him friend? Who am I that Jesus would call me friend?" There is an intimacy in friendship. A sense of knowing each other, enjoying each other, and wanting what is best for the other person. Friends do things for each other out of love. Not obligation. It's as if Christ sees this woman, lifts up her chin and says, "Rise. Walk with me. Abide with me. Let me make known to you all that I am doing." He's inviting me into a friendship that has absolutely nothing to do with what I can offer Him.
"God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons [and daughters]. And because you are [daughters], God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a [daughter], and if a [daughter], then an heir through God" (Gal 4:4-7).
"You are a part of my family. I have chosen you and adopted you as my own." The Father-daughter relationship is probably the relationship that feels the hardest for me to relate to as I don't have much to draw from in my life. But the term "adopted" is powerful to me. I know what it's like to have a Father figure in my life who chose to love me like a father even when mine was not there. God is inviting me to rest in His care as His daughter. He calls me His own, desires nothing but good for me, and promises to provide for my every need.
A few days later on the car ride home, I dusted off an old CD titled "Mellow Mix" from 2008 and put it into my car [yes, I admit to still using CDs. Welcome to the 21st century, I know]. As I listened, I came across an old favorite titled "Acres of Hope."
Give it a listen:
I was struck by the imagery: "He will allure her. He will pursue her. And call her out. To wilderness with flowers in His hand. She is responding, beat up and hurting, deserving death. But offerings of life are found instead."
Then the most powerful image, "Call me lover, marry me for good." In that moment, I dared to put myself in the story. Oh how I identified with this woman. And I just basked in the beauty of God singing over me, and leading me towards acres of hope. God was inviting me towards intimacy and healing.
You might be saying, what does all of this have to do with Florida, jobs, and family? It's this. God revealed to me two significant things over the course of the last few weeks of prayer and discernment.
One, although my heart is much more open to the possibility of moving back to Florida sometime in the future, it has become very apparent that my time here in Long Beach is not done. There has been so much good fruit borne in the last few months through investing in my neighborhood, Life Group, and ministry relationships, that it would be premature to leave just yet. I have much yet to learn in regards to community development, and I would love to do this alongside an incredible faith community and mentors who are doing it with me. I don't know where Florida fits in the timeline of my life, but all I know is "not now."
Two, God speaks through circumstances, your heart, community, and most importantly, the Word. If I solely looked at my circumstances, one might have to wonder - Florida? However, I asked the Lord to change my heart, and throughout the process of praying, my heart was not changing. As you can see, I found myself resentful towards God because it seemed like my desires didn't matter to God. But apparently, they did as God met me on my retreat. I gathered my community to pray with me and for me. And overwhelmingly, God spoke through them that my time is not finished here. I finally went to the Word, and God gave me this verse:
"And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Gal 6:9).
So, as I've sought Jesus for answers over the past few weeks, He hasn't spelled it all out. But He has offered Himself. And has said, "...whoever drinks of the water that I give Him, will never be thirsty again" (John 4:14).
So, as I continue to wait and hope and long for things yet unseen, I will continue to drink deeply of the One who satisfies all of my deepest thirsts.
My friend.
Father.
Lover.
Living Water.
Living Water.
************************************
Acres of Hope (by Shane & Shane)
She will sing, she will sing oh, to YouShe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead her away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
Here in the valley walk close beside me don't look backFor love is growing vineyards up ahead You have called me masterAnd though You're in the dark here call me friendAnd call me lover and marry me for good
She will sing, she will sing, oh, to YouShe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead her away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
How the story ends is love and tenderness in HimNot safe, but worth it so in the valley's up aheadOr the ones, we live we'll sing together, we'll sing together
We will sing, we will sing oh, to YouWe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead us away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
Monday, January 7, 2013
Successfulness vs. Fruitfulness
As many of you know, I usually don't struggle with words. I love to write and the pages of my blog reveal this. This year, however, as I sat down to reflect on my year, I struggled to find words to sum up much of anything. What I think or feel. Themes. Lessons. Something.
Then I read this...
John 15 speaks of this process as pruning: "...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (vs 2). Every branch that DOES bear fruit, he prunes? This rocked me. And then, "Every branch that does not bear fruit, he takes away" (vs 2). What a paradigm shift for me. As I've reflected on the pruning of the last few months, there have been moments where the pruning has felt like punishment. "I must not be doing something right to be experiencing so much loss and pain. Lord, I've been saying yes to you. So why does my life look this way?" Doesn't obedience lead to success?
It doesn't always work that way in the kingdom of God. John 15 reveals a different reality -- "Woah to you if you have not experienced pruning. For the Lord prunes the fruitful branches and throws away the ones lacking fruit" (my paraphrase). If success is not an indicator of God's hand or movement, then what is? Fruit. God forbid that I be among the branches which are thrown away and are useless to the kingdom.
So as I think about 2012, my trophy case is not full of grand accomplishments that most would find worthy of showing off (ie. new position, promotion, financial stability, travel experiences, or even finding the love of my life). But if I must boast (I Cor 1:31), let me brag about the fruit of God's work in my life and around me. Here are a couple stories that come to mind.
As many of you know, in the summer of 2012, I finally made the move to Central Long Beach to begin this journey of immersion and to discover God's heart for the urban poor of this city. I didn't have an instruction manual, but maybe a few guiding principles: pray, build relationships, and pray some more. Now 7 months in, I am absolutely amazed at the level of relationships that have formed in our neighborhood. Many have become so much more than neighbors. They are dear friends whom we have come to love. We have been blessed to host 3 different families this Fall for dinner. We also hosted a few community events like a Pumpkin Carving party for the children in our neighborhood (with 9 kids and 8 adults), and a Christmas party (with 17 neighbors - all ages, different backgrounds, and languages). We also have loved being hosted by our neighbors -- for Carne Asada, Pozole dinners, Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve! But some of the sweetest moments that I cherish were the ones that were unplanned and left room for genuine relationships to emerge.
Fall of 2012, I said yes to leading a Life Group. I had little expectations as to what things would look like, but my hope was that Life Group would be a good onramp for neighbors who were open to learning more about God. I was so grateful to have one of our neighbors come consistently every week. She comes from a Catholic background and has a rich story of how God has made Himself known in her life. However, she was hungry to know more about God and the Bible, so Life Group seemed like a natural next step. Every week, she would share with me what she was learning about the Bible and how God was speaking to her through the text. I was amazed to hear these stories week-to-week. But I remember one session, I had just shared with my Life Group that I lost my job. I was feeling pretty down and vulnerable and asking for prayer. As different prayer requests were thrown out and different people offered to pray for each other, my neighbor asked to pray for me. She doesn't pray out loud in front of people, so I knew this was a big deal.When it was her turn to pray, she prayed, "Lord, thank you so much for Michelle. She is one of the greatest things that has happened to me this year. Please hear her prayer and comfort her only the way you can...". By the time she said "amen" I was already in tears. God was using my neighbor to minister to me to remind me to continue being faithful cause He was working even in the midst of the loss.
When I think about the fruit of the last year, I am filled with much joy. My cup runs over. However, when I let myself think about the unexpected losses and heartaches of this past year, I am filled with much grief. Another reminder of how joy and sorrow often coexist within our hearts. Here, is where I cling to the wisdom of Paul, "...For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ...Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:8-9,13-14).
I am praying big prayers to God right now regarding 2013 because He says to. "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples" (John 15:7-8). I do not lose heart because I know jobs expire, unemployment runs out, success fades, relationships come and go. However, the fruit of the kingdom is what lasts. And His promises endure: "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full" (vs. 11).
I may look like a stripped and stark branch right now. But watch out. This branch is not dead. Spring is coming. And the promise of new life is just around the corner.
Then I read this...
There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness (Bread for the Journey, Nouwen).I so resonate with these words. So much of 2012 was marked with brokenness, vulnerability, weakness, and pain. But the crazy thing about God is that beautiful things came through the vulnerability: Fruit.
John 15 speaks of this process as pruning: "...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (vs 2). Every branch that DOES bear fruit, he prunes? This rocked me. And then, "Every branch that does not bear fruit, he takes away" (vs 2). What a paradigm shift for me. As I've reflected on the pruning of the last few months, there have been moments where the pruning has felt like punishment. "I must not be doing something right to be experiencing so much loss and pain. Lord, I've been saying yes to you. So why does my life look this way?" Doesn't obedience lead to success?
It doesn't always work that way in the kingdom of God. John 15 reveals a different reality -- "Woah to you if you have not experienced pruning. For the Lord prunes the fruitful branches and throws away the ones lacking fruit" (my paraphrase). If success is not an indicator of God's hand or movement, then what is? Fruit. God forbid that I be among the branches which are thrown away and are useless to the kingdom.
So as I think about 2012, my trophy case is not full of grand accomplishments that most would find worthy of showing off (ie. new position, promotion, financial stability, travel experiences, or even finding the love of my life). But if I must boast (I Cor 1:31), let me brag about the fruit of God's work in my life and around me. Here are a couple stories that come to mind.
As many of you know, in the summer of 2012, I finally made the move to Central Long Beach to begin this journey of immersion and to discover God's heart for the urban poor of this city. I didn't have an instruction manual, but maybe a few guiding principles: pray, build relationships, and pray some more. Now 7 months in, I am absolutely amazed at the level of relationships that have formed in our neighborhood. Many have become so much more than neighbors. They are dear friends whom we have come to love. We have been blessed to host 3 different families this Fall for dinner. We also hosted a few community events like a Pumpkin Carving party for the children in our neighborhood (with 9 kids and 8 adults), and a Christmas party (with 17 neighbors - all ages, different backgrounds, and languages). We also have loved being hosted by our neighbors -- for Carne Asada, Pozole dinners, Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve! But some of the sweetest moments that I cherish were the ones that were unplanned and left room for genuine relationships to emerge.
Fall of 2012, I said yes to leading a Life Group. I had little expectations as to what things would look like, but my hope was that Life Group would be a good onramp for neighbors who were open to learning more about God. I was so grateful to have one of our neighbors come consistently every week. She comes from a Catholic background and has a rich story of how God has made Himself known in her life. However, she was hungry to know more about God and the Bible, so Life Group seemed like a natural next step. Every week, she would share with me what she was learning about the Bible and how God was speaking to her through the text. I was amazed to hear these stories week-to-week. But I remember one session, I had just shared with my Life Group that I lost my job. I was feeling pretty down and vulnerable and asking for prayer. As different prayer requests were thrown out and different people offered to pray for each other, my neighbor asked to pray for me. She doesn't pray out loud in front of people, so I knew this was a big deal.When it was her turn to pray, she prayed, "Lord, thank you so much for Michelle. She is one of the greatest things that has happened to me this year. Please hear her prayer and comfort her only the way you can...". By the time she said "amen" I was already in tears. God was using my neighbor to minister to me to remind me to continue being faithful cause He was working even in the midst of the loss.
When I think about the fruit of the last year, I am filled with much joy. My cup runs over. However, when I let myself think about the unexpected losses and heartaches of this past year, I am filled with much grief. Another reminder of how joy and sorrow often coexist within our hearts. Here, is where I cling to the wisdom of Paul, "...For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ...Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:8-9,13-14).
I am praying big prayers to God right now regarding 2013 because He says to. "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples" (John 15:7-8). I do not lose heart because I know jobs expire, unemployment runs out, success fades, relationships come and go. However, the fruit of the kingdom is what lasts. And His promises endure: "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full" (vs. 11).
I may look like a stripped and stark branch right now. But watch out. This branch is not dead. Spring is coming. And the promise of new life is just around the corner.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Abide with me
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me ...I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you... I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."(excerpts from John 14-15).**************************************************As I was soaking in these Scriptures this morning, I began to wrestle with the concept of abiding. The term ABIDE means "to stay, to stand, to endure, to reside, to dwell, to remain, to bear." Immediately, as I reflect on the the realities of the Father abiding in me, and I in the Father, I cannot but help and think about my own pain and brokenness (ie. absent father, broken relationships, and other themes of abandonment). Is it really true? The Lord abides with me? "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you..." What would it look like for God to stand with me? To endure with me? To bear all things with me? And for me to stay with Him? To reside with Him? To remain in Him? And to abide in His love?
Today, it struck me as I was at the hospital visiting my sick grandma, Lela. What she asks of me is simply to "abide" with her -- to stay, to endure, to remain, to bear her pain and be with her. There is nothing in me that can heal her, but there is power in simply abiding. A ministry of presence. Because we love each other, we don't necessarily need words to communicate our love. Holding her hand, exchanging glances and smiles, and reminding her that I'm there is enough.As I think about God the Father and His promise to abide in me, I am comforted. He will never leave me or abandon me in my pain. I am in a season where I have never been more challenged to stand firm in my faith. I have had my faith pruned and plucked and squeezed and stretched. I've lost so much. All the while trying to be faithful to God. His pruning of our faith does not always feel very loving; and at times, it can feel very lonely, and I come out kicking and moaning. But God abides with me in it. He doesn't prune us then leave us. He doesn't abandon us in it. His love endures.In the same simple ways my grandma asks me to "abide" with her, God asks the same of me. Be with me. Stand with me. Endure with me. Remain in me. And it is by being in His presence that I am healed. That I am able to receive love. That I am able to love. That I am able to receive the fullness of joy. And ultimately bear fruit that brings God glory.As yesterday's pain and tomorrow's worries threaten to rob me of my joy, I am challenged today to simply abide. To be present to the moment. To take in all the love that God has for me today. To rest and know that He is God.Psalm 139:18, "I awake, and I am still with you."
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Wait and See
Words have power. But God's promises extend into eternity.
6 years ago, God spoke. Sitting in a 25,000 seat auditorium at the 2006 Urbana conference, God made it very clear that He was sending me. Sending me to the city. This was going to be my mission field. Not a life of comfort. Of seeking after the American dream. But one of identification with my urban neighbors. Making this my home. And seeking after the shalom of the city. Where, when, how, what? He didn't give those answers. He just said go.
Many of you that have history with me, you know my story. It has been an "up and down, but always forward" kind of journey. Trying to be faithful to the calling God has put in my life. He gave me a lightning bolt experience where I could see into the future what He wanted for my life in 2006, but then He only gave me a flashlight to get there. It has not been a linear path, but every time God has revealed the next step, I've taken it.
So, here I am. 6 years later. 2012. In Long Beach (via Wheaton, IL then La Mirada, CA). Invested.
The last 18 months since my move to Long Beach has been one of extreme faith-testing and trial. Full of almost-moments, midnight hour breakthroughs, unexpected gifts, and heart-breaking loss. Obedience to God has not been the smooth and easy road. It's been quite the opposite, actually.
Lately, we have been studying in depth the story of Abraham and Sarah in Genesis 13-17 in Life Group. God must of had me in mind when He was writing their story. I have never identified with a character in the Bible as I have with Sarah. She knows what it's like to painstakingly wait for a promise to be fulfilled. She understands pain, loss, betrayal, and disappointment. She knows what it's like to have a great call on her life but feel powerless to make it happen. She knows what it's like to have her faith tested at the core of her being. To have to dig deep to find her identity in something greater than what her society deemed appropriate for women. Her faith was not perfect, and at times, she doubted. But she knew God and was comforted by the promise that one day, she would get the last laugh because God was on her side.
This is why I have learned that I have to cling to God's word and His promises when life, people, circumstances seem to make you think that God has forsaken you. Last week was one of those weeks. So I decided to paint. God gave me an image and I attempted to capture it with my elementary painting skills. While painting, I could hear God say, "Remember? Remember what I have spoken. I will do it. I will establish you and your steps. I will plant you. I will make you into a beacon of light for the city. Drown out the voices that tell you differently. Just remain faithful to me. I see and know your desires, and in due time, these will be added to you. But first you must seek me, my kingdom, and my righteousness. In me, you will bear much fruit and the work of your hands will prosper. Wait and one day you will see. But for now, you must trust me."
I'm still sitting with these words. Clinging to His promises isn't easy. Especially when you've experienced much disappointment and broken promises, but this is where God is drawing us into intimacy with Him. Will we trust Him? Will we let Him heal our wounded hearts? Are we willing to suffer through the present waiting for the fulfillment of His promise?
Nouwen captures it perfectly, "How do we wait for God? We wait with patience. But patience does not
mean passivity. Waiting patiently is not like waiting for the bus to come, the
rain to stop, or the sun to rise. It is an active waiting in which we live the
present moment to the full in order to find there the signs of the One we are
waiting for. The Word patience comes from the Latin verb ‘patior’ which means ‘to
suffer.’ Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment, tasting it
to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground on which we
stand grow into strong plants. Waiting patiently always means paying attention
to what is happening right before our eyes and seeing there the first rays of
God’s glorious coming.” (Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, Nov 20).
So, Lord, strengthen my feeble and wounded faith. May my roots be established deep and be unwavering in the storms of life. I will continue to wait and hope for the day that I will see. God is enough for today. And His word endures forever. Amen.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
In the Face of Failure
I picked up a book this week called, "The Search for Significance" by Robert McGee, on oldie but goodie which talks about the traps we all face in building our sense of self-worth. It seemed like an appropriate place to start after I received the news this week.
As of Monday, I was officially let go from my job, and I am now unemployed.
Without going into all of the details, I will say that this news came as quite a shock and disappointment. But, as I let myself be honest about the last 120 days at my new job, I was also surprised at the relief I felt. I have come to accept that God has something much better for me -- He wouldn't have brought me this far to leave me hanging. But I must say that it was pretty confusing after all that I've been through this past year, the hope of being able to finally settle into a new career, and the fact that I have never been let go from a job before.
Situations like this really bring to light the messages you believe to be true about your identity and self-worth. When I allowed myself to be honest, I realized that I have a deep-seated belief that at the core of my being, "I am a hard worker." And therefore, because I pride myself in being a hard worker, "I am successful" - I can do anything I set out to accomplish... right? So what happens when you are faced with the reality that you in fact did not succeed, but actually failed (or failed to meet someone else's expectations of you)? What will you believe about yourself? Will you let that experience define who you are? Will you let someone else's opinion of you define who you are?
I have always been praised for what I do and my successes. Yet sometimes I forget that I am a limited being - I am not God. I am not perfect. I am not superhuman. And I shouldn't be shocked when I cannot be all things to all people nor meet every person's expectations of me.
Will I run from failure or fight compulsively to achieve at the expense of myself and others in order to avoid failure?
I think that I am finally coming to a place in my Christian walk where I am coming to see that "I am not what I do." And I don't have to avoid failure by not taking risks or feel the need to justify all of my mistakes to make myself look better. I may not be perfect. But I am not a failure.
I was not willing to make my work my life (which is what it would have taken to succeed in this role) so I believe that God was really releasing me from this job and has better for me.
Sometimes you don't know what is in your heart, until it has been tested. And I would say that in the midst of disappointing circumstances, I am encouraged that my faith has endured, my identity is secure, and God's promises still remain true.
Sometimes failing is our greatest teacher. It brings us to our knees and reminds us that He is God and we are not. So in the face of failure, "I lift my eyes to the hills, for where comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth" (Psalm 121).
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Story Time: Spiritual Partners
One of my biggest prayers over the last few weeks has been that God would provide spiritual partners in our neighborhood who could partner with us for the sake of showing Christ's love on our block. This block needs a lot of love. Some of our neighbors have given us a little glimpse into the history of this neighborhood and even our home, and they insist that this neighborhood is SO much better than what it was 20-30 years ago. Part of why I believe this is true is because of prayer warriors like our neighbor, Diane.
We met Diane through a mutual friend who is on staff at a church in Long Beach. When we told our mutual friend where we were moving, she quickly told us, "You have to meet Diane. She is an incredible woman who loves Jesus and has been in that neighborhood for over 25 years."
Shortly after, our paths finally crossed as Diane was walking her dog, Sassy. She had a huge smile on her face -- I will never forget it. We chatted. Hugged. And immediately I knew -- this woman was special.
In the coming weeks, we invited Diane to our home for lunch where we shared stories and good food. In such a short amount of time, I felt like this woman was a kindred spirit -- someone I've known for years. Her love for the Lord was so evident in the ways she spoke about her story and her commitment to praying for and loving her neighbors. She has been invested for 25 years and is growing weary. A recent widow, she revealed ways that she too had been praying for spiritual partners within this community and believed that we were that answer.
Knowing that someone like Diane has been praying for you long before you ever considered moving in the neighborhood is pretty incredible. She has prayed over our home as we have had many tenants in and out of this home -- some involved in very dark and shady things. She even snuck in while it was temporarily tenant-less and anointed our home with oil -- including our basement. Seriously? This is God.
And now we are here. Building on the foundations that have already been built by people like Diane -- fighting spiritual strongholds through prayer, building relationships in an environment of distrust, and exhorting neighbors to love the land and show each other respect. She has given me such a great model of incarnational ministry at its best.
Just last week, Diane invited all of us over to her place -- the gift of reciprocity. She spoiled us rotten with a delicious spread of hors d'oeuvres, wine, gourmet dinner and dessert. We lingered for hours in her backyard -- which is a peaceful haven in the midst of the noise of this city. At the end of our time, we prayed for each other, blessed each other, and parted ways.
We are hopeful that this is just the beginning of a beautiful relationship and partnership. This is just one of many confirmations that we are supposed to be here.
We met Diane through a mutual friend who is on staff at a church in Long Beach. When we told our mutual friend where we were moving, she quickly told us, "You have to meet Diane. She is an incredible woman who loves Jesus and has been in that neighborhood for over 25 years."
Shortly after, our paths finally crossed as Diane was walking her dog, Sassy. She had a huge smile on her face -- I will never forget it. We chatted. Hugged. And immediately I knew -- this woman was special.
In the coming weeks, we invited Diane to our home for lunch where we shared stories and good food. In such a short amount of time, I felt like this woman was a kindred spirit -- someone I've known for years. Her love for the Lord was so evident in the ways she spoke about her story and her commitment to praying for and loving her neighbors. She has been invested for 25 years and is growing weary. A recent widow, she revealed ways that she too had been praying for spiritual partners within this community and believed that we were that answer.
Knowing that someone like Diane has been praying for you long before you ever considered moving in the neighborhood is pretty incredible. She has prayed over our home as we have had many tenants in and out of this home -- some involved in very dark and shady things. She even snuck in while it was temporarily tenant-less and anointed our home with oil -- including our basement. Seriously? This is God.
And now we are here. Building on the foundations that have already been built by people like Diane -- fighting spiritual strongholds through prayer, building relationships in an environment of distrust, and exhorting neighbors to love the land and show each other respect. She has given me such a great model of incarnational ministry at its best.
Just last week, Diane invited all of us over to her place -- the gift of reciprocity. She spoiled us rotten with a delicious spread of hors d'oeuvres, wine, gourmet dinner and dessert. We lingered for hours in her backyard -- which is a peaceful haven in the midst of the noise of this city. At the end of our time, we prayed for each other, blessed each other, and parted ways.
We are hopeful that this is just the beginning of a beautiful relationship and partnership. This is just one of many confirmations that we are supposed to be here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)