Successfulness vs. Fruitfulness

As many of you know, I usually don't struggle with words. I love to write and the pages of my blog reveal this. This year, however, as I sat down to reflect on my year, I struggled to find words to sum up much of anything. What I think or feel. Themes. Lessons. Something.

Then I read this...

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness (Bread for the Journey, Nouwen).

I so resonate with these words. So much of 2012 was marked with brokenness, vulnerability, weakness, and pain. But the crazy thing about God is that beautiful things came through the vulnerability: Fruit.

John 15 speaks of this process as pruning: "...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (vs 2). Every branch that DOES bear fruit, he prunes? This rocked me. And then, "Every branch that does not bear fruit, he takes away" (vs 2). What a paradigm shift for me. As I've reflected on the pruning of the last few months, there have been moments where the pruning has felt like punishment. "I must not be doing something right to be experiencing so much loss and pain. Lord, I've been saying yes to you. So why does my life look this way?" Doesn't obedience lead to success?

It doesn't always work that way in the kingdom of God. John 15 reveals a different reality -- "Woah to you if you have not experienced pruning. For the Lord prunes the fruitful branches and throws away the ones lacking fruit" (my paraphrase). If success is not an indicator of God's hand or movement, then what is? Fruit. God forbid that I be among the branches which are thrown away and are useless to the kingdom.

So as I think about 2012, my trophy case is not full of grand accomplishments that most would find worthy of showing off (ie. new position, promotion, financial stability, travel experiences, or even finding the love of my life). But if I must boast (I Cor 1:31), let me brag about the fruit of God's work in my life and around me. Here are a couple stories that come to mind.

As many of you know, in the summer of 2012, I finally made the move to Central Long Beach to begin this journey of immersion and to discover God's heart for the urban poor of this city. I didn't have an instruction manual, but maybe a few guiding principles: pray, build relationships, and pray some more. Now 7 months in, I am absolutely amazed at the level of relationships that have formed in our neighborhood. Many have become so much more than neighbors. They are dear friends whom we have come to love. We have been blessed to host 3 different families this Fall for dinner. We also hosted a few community events like a Pumpkin Carving party for the children in our neighborhood (with 9 kids and 8 adults), and a Christmas party (with 17 neighbors - all ages, different backgrounds, and languages). We also have loved being hosted by our neighbors -- for Carne Asada, Pozole dinners, Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve! But some of the sweetest moments that I cherish were the ones that were unplanned and left room for genuine relationships to emerge. 

Fall of 2012, I said yes to leading a Life Group. I had little expectations as to what things would look like, but my hope was that Life Group would be a good onramp for neighbors who were open to learning more about God. I was so grateful to have one of our neighbors come consistently every week. She comes from a Catholic background and has a rich story of how God has made Himself known in her life. However, she was hungry to know more about God and the Bible, so Life Group seemed like a natural next step. Every week, she would share with me what she was learning about the Bible and how God was speaking to her through the text. I was amazed to hear these stories week-to-week. But I remember one session, I had just shared with my Life Group that I lost my job. I was feeling pretty down and vulnerable and asking for prayer. As different prayer requests were thrown out and different people offered to pray for each other, my neighbor asked to pray for me. She doesn't pray out loud in front of people, so I knew this was a big deal.When it was her turn to pray, she prayed, "Lord, thank you so much for Michelle. She is one of the greatest things that has happened to me this year. Please hear her prayer and comfort her only the way you can...". By the time she said "amen" I was already in tears. God was using my neighbor to minister to me to remind me to continue being faithful cause He was working even in the midst of the loss.

When I think about the fruit of the last year, I am filled with much joy. My cup runs over. However, when I let myself think about the unexpected losses and heartaches of this past year, I am filled with much grief. Another reminder of how joy and sorrow often coexist within our hearts. Here, is where I cling to the wisdom of Paul, "...For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ...Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:8-9,13-14). 

I am praying big prayers to God right now regarding 2013 because He says to. "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples" (John 15:7-8). I do not lose heart because I know jobs expire, unemployment runs out, success fades, relationships come and go. However, the fruit of the kingdom is what lasts. And His promises endure: "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full" (vs. 11).

I may look like a stripped and stark branch right now. But watch out. This branch is not dead. Spring is coming. And the promise of new life is just around the corner.