2011: A Year of Transition

According to StrengthsFinder, my top strength is "Context" which means that I like to look to the past in order to understand my future. My second highest strength is "Connectedness" which means that I easily see purpose and connection in everyday circumstances. I used to teach this stuff, so don't judge me. :) So here is me putting both of these strengths into practice...

My 2011 Reflections

The overwhelming word that comes to mind when I think of 2011 is TRANSITION. I'd like to say that I am an expert in transitions--geographical, relational, professional, cultural--given the course of my 20s. However, each transition has come with its own set of challenges and opportunities. Each has the capacity to completely derail me if I lose sight of my core vision. But each has the capacity to bring about transformation in my life if I persevere and choose to trust in the One who is leading me. 2011--the year I turned 30--has marked a significant year of preparation, closure, risk, trial, loss, gain, and acceptance.

PREPARATION (Jan-Mar)
Coming into the New Year, I knew that 2011 was going to be a big one. By this point, I had already felt confirmed that this was the year that I would step out of Res Life and make the move to Long Beach. I knew that this meant that I would have to quit my job and find a new job, and would need to figure out housing, roommate, etc. February, I turned in my resignation with a little bit of fear and trembling. Not because I doubted God's direction, but because I knew that I was taking a big risk in giving up a secure job in this economy in order to say yes to God's call in my life. With 5 months left in my job, I saved every penny, actively applied for jobs, wrapped up loose ends in my job, secured a temporary housing situation, found a roommate, and tried to remain present and grateful in my final moments at Biola. In the midst of many questions, I did everything I could to prepare well for the upcoming transition, but at the end of the day, I knew that I was taking a big risk. A risk that only God could provide for...


CLOSURE/RISK (Apr-June)

All I can remember about April is that it was a whirlwind. It began with hiring the new RD that would take my position, a reunion of all of my Biola RAs from 2007-2011, 30th Birthday celebrations, and beginning a new dating relationship. May 1st marked the first half marathon I have ever completed. And then the rest of May and June was filled with non-stop closure banquets, ceremonies, tasks, conversations, and visiting Florida twice for my brother's graduation and my friend's wedding. Even though the pace of my life was ridiculously full, I felt both CONFIDENT--having turned 30 and completing one of my best years professionally in Res Life--and HOPEFUL--boldly risking dating again and beating a lifetime goal of running a half-marathon (something I never thought I could do). I felt as if I was ending one phase of my life and saying hello to another. As I packed my bags, all I knew was that there was no turning back.


NEW BEGINNINGS/TRIAL (July-Sept)

Things started off beautifully. The Schmidt family (the beautifully family that I have a million pictures of on my blog and Facebook) took me in as I was in need of a temporary place to live during this time of job transition. God knew exactly what I needed in this season. And that was a place of belonging. The Lord gave me this verse at the beginning stages of my transition to Long Beach: "God settles the solitary in a home..." (Ps 68:6). What a grace of God--a gift that I didn't realize would be a steady foundation for me in the coming months. After the honeymoon stage of change faded, however, reality started to settle in, bank account began to dwindle, and the difficulty of finding a job became more and more discouraging. I made it my full-time job to be looking for jobs, but somehow, it wasn't enough. No phone calls. No interviews. Told that I was overqualified. Three months passed, and with only a month left of funds, I was on the verge of desperation. I let go of the "ideal", feeling defeated, and was willing to take anything that could pay the bills. Around the same time, I was shocked to find out that a good friend of mine from high school, Aaron Vaughn, was one of the Navy Seals that was killed in the helicopter crash in Afghanistan. And finally, the relationship I was in fizzled. The only thing that was carrying me through the darkness of this season was God's promise to me that he would "settle" me, provide for me, wouldn't leave me stranded, and was my comfort and hope.


LOSS/GAIN (Sept-Nov)

Coming out of a season of testing and desperation, everything changed when I got the phone call. In a matter of 3 days, Eric, City Catalyst for Vision360 Long Beach, hired me for a job that was absolutely perfect and had NOTHING to do with me and my efforts (You can read my previous blog to get the whole story). It was one of those "midnight hour" moments--when you've finally reached the end of yourself and God steps in. Around the same time, I had also been hired to help a friend with some office admin work for his after-school guitar program. Between these two jobs, the Lord not only provided for my monthly bills, but also allowed me to buy a plane ticket home for Christmas, and to run another half-marathon in Santa Barbara. Although my resources were slim, I was finally beginning to settle just a little bit. However, I was very aware that my Vision360 job was only a temporary provision as it was set to end February 1st. In the midst of this season, I was also experiencing the distance of my Biola relationships, while my Long Beach connections were expanding and deepening--the nature of proximity and relational transitions. In the little space that I had outside of my two part-time jobs, I was trying to make myself available to the Schmidt family, spearheading some new changes for our church's praise team, and intentionally developing relationships with my new Long Beach neighbors. Somewhere along the way, I found myself stretched thin. I was experiencing both the goodness of many opportunities, but also my own limitations to keep up with it all. This caused me to reevaluate my priorities, rather than saying "yes" to everything that came my way.


ACCEPTANCE (Dec-)
In the last month, as I have been looking forward to 2012, I am forced to face the reality that these abundant temporary provisions that were provided at a point of desperation (ie. Vision360 job and housing) are quickly coming to an end. I need a full-time job--in order to pay rent--in order move closer into the neighborhood my church is invested in--in order to begin investing more deeply in ministry and relationships in the city. As I am aware of my need, I also am coming to a place of acceptance that these things take time and the fulfillment of this ministry calling won't be revealed overnight. It requires long-term commitment and patience. I am encouraged that God didn't bring me this far to leave me stranded--once again my Psalm 68:6 promise. With so many questions ahead, I have asked the Lord to reaffirm my ministry calling. He gave me this verse, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you... I consecrated you... I appointed you...." (Jeremiah 1:5). Even though I can't see the bigger vision of God's plan for me here in Long Beach, I recognize that there is purpose and I am just on the brink of this journey. Somehow, this reality has allowed me to have more open hands with God's timeline and provision as I look towards the future.


Final Thoughts & Reflections
- Be Faithful: I will be quick to admit that I have NO idea what God is doing. 2011 looks entirely different than I anticipated. Both for the better, and at times, painful. But all I do know is that God is calling me to be faithful. Faithful to the calling that He has given me to seek the flourishing of the city for the sake of seeing God's shalom here on earth. But also faithful in the small, intermediate steps along the way. *If this language is jibberish to you, please read this article on Shalom Theology. It is a really shaping part of my theology.
- Forgive and Let Go (again and again...): This has been a huge year of forgiveness--both for myself and for some painful relationships of my past. I find that as I have been faithful to step out in this season that Satan has loved reminding me of the past, bringing up old wounds and making me feel insignificant. Once I was able to see it for what it was--lies and attacks from the enemy--I was able to receive God's forgiveness and extend forgiveness once again to those who have hurt me. There is nothing worse than holding on to old resentments and bitterness if you are trying to be faithful to God. "First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt 5:24).
- Relationships in my 30s: I have realized entering my 30s, that I need to approach relationships a little differently. There is a tricky balance between being OPEN and NOT SETTLING. I have experienced the pain of both. Being so open that I ignore my intuitions which tell me that this person is not a life partner. But also being so narrow in my "standards" or ideas of an ideal mate that I close myself off to great guys. The tendency I think for many 30-yr old females is to settle because they become desperate. I can see that temptation, but I am not willing to live miserably. This year has been an active year of dating, and in the midst of it all, I have learned a lot about this balance--both to trust my gut a little more as well as to define what my non-negotiables are and stick to them. I don't feel like I have to make anything happen to change my relationship status, but I think I feel more equipped to know how to identify a life partner, rather than just a quality guy. In the meantime, I am perfectly content being single and living undividedly for the Lord (I Cor. 7:33-35). That is where He has me now, and it is a GOOD place to be.
- Remembering, Contentment and Hope: In hopes to wrap up this really long blog entry, I will end with this. In order to have hope for the future, I am realizing that it's important to remember God's faithfulness in my past, as well as find an acceptance for the present. Deuteronomy 6:12 says, "...take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery." When in the midst of trials and tribulation, we forget. We easily resort to old fears and choose unbelief. That is why it is SO important to take time to remember. My remembrance stone from 2011 is the day I got the phone call in early September when I was at my midnight hour. God provided a job that was above and beyond my greatest imagination. How could He not do the same again? How I long to hear these words from the Lord, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master" (Matthew 25:21). It's in accepting and living fully in my present, that I bring pleasure and glory to the Master. Hope, then, is just an overflow of the heart that has found complete trust in a trustworthy God. This may take a lifetime to learn, but the Lord is truly discipling me in this season. And at the end of the day, that is His will for His people--no matter what stage of life or circumstance we find ourselves in. May I be more like Christ in 2012--a little wiser, a little more humble, a little more gracious, a little more faithful. 


Okay. 2,000+ words later... bring on the New Year!!

Cousins & Baby Nieces

Us 25 years ago. Practically sisters.

Raquel & Lilliana

Lilliana: 2 mos.

Nikki & Bekah

Bekah: 18 mos.

Taxiing in the "Not Yet" Zone

One word that has really resonated with my current season is this idea of taxiing on a plane.

When I moved out to Long Beach 7 months ago, I had high hopes for how it all would unfold. I assumed that I would have a few more things figured out by now. But the reality is, I am still very much in the thick of my transition. God has provided abundant, temporary provisions for me. Yet, I still have huge questions looming as I look towards the future.

I feel like I have landed. I'm here in Long Beach. A place I have come to love and call home. I can see out my window and see all that I came here for. I am experiencing tastes of what doing ministry in the city looks like. I am waiting, watching, legs cramped, exhausted, anticipating. So close. Yet, not quite there. Got my bags, ready to go. Yet, I am at the mercy of the pilot and his cue to empty the plane.

I feel so ready to jump out and start putting some of these deep, inward convictions into practice. To love and work towards the shalom of the city. I'm ready to be immersed. To be radically changed. For my heart's capacity to love to be stretched. To be surprised by God's work all around me. To join Him in it.

Yet, the practicality of finding a full-time job has put my life at a standstill. I find myself at the end of 2011 with a status update of "not yet."

To take this analogy another step forward, I feel like I have been privileged to fly first class in this temporary transition. God has blessed me with abundant provisions--an incredible home and people who have taken me in as family, beautiful children which give me so much joy and life, two incredible jobs that allow me to work with some incredible people, friendships that will last a lifetime, and opportunities to serve in the church and community.

However, planes were built to fly you from one destination to another. We're not meant to settle on the plane. We're meant to land and get off. And such is the nature of my transition. I was never meant to settle here. Which, at times, can make the in between a hard place to be.

If I allow myself to zoom out at the bigger picture, I realize that my view of what's ahead might be a little short-sighted:

Words from a wise man, "Consider the ‘long-view’. 'Don’t try to transform your neighborhood or city this year. Give it time. If you stay in a place for 30 years, you’ll be surprised what God does.' Buy a house. Have children. Develop friendships. Consider the Jeremiah strategy, not just Jonah’s'."

This wisdom is just a reminder to me that God's plans or timeline is not my own. He sees the bigger picture, where my human mind can only conceive what's in front of me. Most times, out of good intentions, I am so eager to move. But in my eagerness, I can also move ahead of God. The "not yet's" are just as important as the "yes's" from God. And endurance is what is needed in order to encounter long-term change.


So as I look towards 2012, I am both hopeful and learning to trust that the plan that God has laid out is what's best. That is why I'm here. Not for my own agenda. So I must be patient, ask God to strengthen my waiting muscles, and  help me be faithful in the "not yet" moments of my life.


Let me take my cues from Jeremiah and learn what it means to endure with hope.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 
and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  
and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts 
through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5).

Smitten

My little firefly.

He lights up my life.

Humility, Grace, and Thanksgiving

My church has been soaking in Genesis for the last few months, but lately chapters 2-3 have really been rocking my world. Genesis has been a sobering reminder of what God's intentions were for mankind, how easily man succumbed to sin, and how we can trace so much of our current problems in the world to the Fall.

Recognizing the gravity of my sin and the curse is deeply humbling. Here were some personal reflections that came out of meditating on these chapters.


The story of Adam of Eve just became extremely personal.
I see myself in the story of the Fall.
And I see the residue of the Fall all around me.
Satan is so deceptive and knows how to discreetly sow seeds of doubt, telling me that God cannot be trusted.
He whispers lies that make me feel small, insignificant, and unloved.
He twists the truth making sin seem harmless and satisfying.
I minimize my sin, generalize it, and do everything I can to escape its consequences.
I point the finger and blame, play the victim.
Shame and fear keep me hiding from those I love and those who love me.
At times, I'd rather live in condemnation because I have a hard time accepting a grace that is completely unearned. 
I am willing to settle for a conditional love which is completely dependent on my ability to perform, serve, and give.
I busy myself with things to avoid having to deal with the pain of loneliness and separation from God.
I, like man, work to survive because I am a single woman who has to care for herself.
I let the power of man "rule over me" and look to him for my worth.
Created for relationship, yet function in a self-sufficient way that avoids appearing weak or revealing my brokenness for fear of being a burden on others.
The curse. I know it so well.

There is such a fine line between condemnation and humility. For someone who can easily swing from complete denial of my sin to someone who also is incredible hard on myself, it is both good for me to take time to reflect on the sadness of sin and how it separates us from God. But, it is also incredibly important to recognize that this was NOT as God intended and NOT who I am in my fullness.

If we allowed ourselves to stay in the mindset of the Fall fixating on the soberness of our sinful state, this would lead us to despair. We would completely negate the work of the cross and God's ultimate grace displayed through Jesus. 

"Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus... For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace" (Romans 6:8-11,14).

However, when we forget where we came from and live our lives recklessly and pridefully apart from God, we "cheapen" the grace that "cost" Christ so much on our behalf (as Bonhoeffer writes about in "Cost of Discipleship").

"What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? ...For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death." (Romans 6:15-16, 20-21).

A heart that humbly accepts the propensity of God's grace is quick and unyielding to say, "where would I be, if not for your grace..." Humility must be a starting point if we want to be more grateful people.

In my pride and blindedness, I can easily become demanding with God: "Why don't I have these things in my life? Why me, Lord? You are so unfair." But who am I to make light of God's incredible mercy towards me? "And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them" (3:21). God could have easily just kicked Adam and Eve to the curb for having disobeyed him. But rather, God showed compassion, and made clothes for them. This was NOT His best for them and they would have to live with the consequences of their sin, but this was not the end of the story. The Lord's trigger finger was mercy.

When I see this story in light of God's mercy, I am in awe. Why would God choose to love someone like me who has nothing to offer Him and constantly chooses to live for myself instead of Christ? Grace. When I stop and think about God's grace.... I am completely humbled. That's the gospel. Thankfulness becomes the natural overflow of a heart that comes to accept God's grace for what it is... completely unearned, abundant, and good.

I am coming to see what Paul meant when he said: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God's grace is enough. At times it feels more abundant than others, but it is always enough. May the Lord keep my heart humble, dependent on His grace, and deeply thankful. It's not natural, but I believe this is the road to freedom.

****************************

So with that, here's some simple, yet profound words which struck me this week from Michael Ramsey, former Archbishop of Canterbury:

"How to Grow in Humility"

Thank God often.

Take care of the confession of your sin.

Be ready to accept humiliation.

Do not be worried about status.

Use your sense of humor (laugh often; be serious, but never solemn).

My Home Away from Home

I couldn't be any more grateful for this beautiful family and how they have welcomed me into their home....

Isaac & Chloe getting dirty

Marcus, a.k.a. "Bug-a-boo"

Chloe behind the wheel

Play time

Celebrating this amazing woman's birthday

Andre & Gaby: mentors, housemates, friends

Unsettled and Settling

When I moved in with a family from my church earlier this summer, I was thinking 2-3 months was about the time frame that I would need in this time of transition.
I put my stuff in temporary storage (aka: my friends' guest bedroom in her house).
And brought maybe 15% of my belongings with me.
My thinking was--2-3 months, I would have a job.
I would be looking for an apartment.
This season was meant to be short-term.

Now 4 months later, I find myself in a very different situation.
Grateful to have 2 part-time jobs that I love and are a huge blessing (although one is short-term).
Building relationships with others who are passionate about the city of Long Beach and are making me fall in love with this place.
Feeling more and more at home living with this family.
Enjoying 3 beautiful kids which bring me so much joy and life.
Getting to live alongside one of the most amazing women I know and respect.
Okay with living simply. Who knew that I wouldn't miss the other 85% of my stuff?
Inheriting free furniture along the way (anticipating the move) but for now makes my room look like a storage closet.
The list goes on...

Current State of my Room 

This picture really captures this season in a nutshell.
A mattress just waiting to be used next to a desk where I work from home, both currently blocking my closet.
Not quite settled, yet functioning.
Unideal, yet gifts in disguise.

Sure, I would love to have full-time meaningful work with benefits right now.
I would love to be living in an apartment closer to the Westside where my church is invested in ministry.
I would love to have space to be volunteering my time to things I love.

But this is not the plan that the Lord has laid out for me right now.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of hoping that some sort of "normalcy" (whatever that is) will bring the peace and rest that I am looking for.
But this lie keeps us constantly spinning our wheels.
Striving, and yet missing out on the many gifts of today.
Maybe my picture of what's normal is not what the Lord has.
Or necessarily what is best.

Up until this point, resting was hard without having certain things secured in my life.
In the midst of the unsettledness which currently exists, I have choices to make.
Will I choose to believe in the good that each day holds?
Beyond my circumstances.
Beyond my relationship status.
Beyond my job status.
Beyond my financial status.
Beyond these other things that the world promises will bring the settledness we all long for as humans.

Somehow, God's promise to me a few weeks ago, "He settles the solitary in a home" (Ps 68:6) is bearing fruit.
Maybe just not in the ways I originally thought He would settle me.