Llamame.

After a few weeks of some pretty dry spells and confusing circumstances, God has overwhelmed me with some powerful images of Himself.

In a prayer time with some ladies a couple weeks ago, I was surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth... "I feel like my desires don't matter to God." It had become apparent that so much of how I approach the Christian life is out of this place of duty and obligation. Living in a world of "should's." I should do this or that because that is the right thing to do. This may get you through the elementary stages of the Christian life, but if you continue to follow Christ with this mindset, you will find yourself resentful and bitter.

Like I did.

The last few months have been nothing but saying "yes" to him and pouring out into the community and Life Group. And as fruit has increased in these different ministries, other areas of my life began to fall apart. So as I sat on a plane to Florida with my life flashing before my eyes, wondering if this would be the last time I'd get to see my grandma as she was ill in the hospital, I cried out, "God, if this is you trying to get me to move back to Florida, I need you to change my heart."

As potential opportunities began to fall in my lap making it possible to move back to Florida, and job opportunities continued to close in California, I cried out to God in desperation: "I feel like a puppet on a string. I have absolutely no control in the way my life will go. I am completely at the mercy of God... do my desires not matter to you, God?"

Why the strong reaction?

Do I not love my family? Far from true.
Do I hate Florida? No.
Can God give me a love for Miami, Ft Lauderdale, or West Palm in the ways He gave me a love for Chicago and Long Beach? Definitely.

The strong reaction: I felt like God didn't see me. He didn't care about my desires. All the prayers and hopes of the last 5 years coming to a head in the last year of ministry felt worthless. The investment in my church community and neighborhood, prematurely cut off. The pressure I felt to move home made me resentful.

And here I was stuck in this world of "shoulds" again.

As I prayed with these women who know me well and love me, we stewed in the John 15 passage for a while (Jesus is the True Vine, We are the Branches passage). And God began to unravel a new script of the last few months right before my eyes...

"...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (John 15:2).

As I reflected in my previous blog post, God doesn't prune the dead branches. He prunes the ones that actually are bearing fruit so that they will bear more fruit.. A lightbulb went off. The last few months' loss were not indicative of disobedience, God punishing me, or God trying to redirect me. Rather, the last few months have revealed that God has actually been in the process of pruning me. Pruning me of things that I hold my security and worth for the purpose of making me even more fruitful for His kingdom. Clarity began to emerge.

The story line continued as I went for a day retreat a few days later...

"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (vs. 15).

I identify with this woman (pictured). She's on her knees, helpless,  crying out for God's mercy. A servant. Trying to be faithful, but weary. "Friend? My master now says to call Him friend? Who am I that Jesus would call me friend?" There is an intimacy in friendship. A sense of knowing each other, enjoying each other, and wanting what is best for the other person. Friends do things for each other out of love. Not obligation. It's as if Christ sees this woman, lifts up her chin and says, "Rise. Walk with me. Abide with me. Let me make known to you all that I am doing." He's inviting me into a friendship that has absolutely nothing to do with what I can offer Him.

"God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons [and daughters]. And because you are [daughters], God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a [daughter], and if a [daughter], then an heir through God" (Gal 4:4-7).

"You are a part of my family. I have chosen you and adopted you as my own." The Father-daughter relationship is probably the relationship that feels the hardest for me to relate to as I don't have much to draw from in my life. But the term "adopted" is powerful to me. I know what it's like to have a Father figure in my life who chose to love me like a father even when mine was not there. God is inviting me to rest in His care as His daughter. He calls me His own, desires nothing but good for me, and promises to provide for my every need.

A few days later on the car ride home, I dusted off an old CD titled "Mellow Mix" from 2008 and put it into my car [yes, I admit to still using CDs. Welcome to the 21st century, I know]. As I listened, I came across an old favorite titled "Acres of Hope."

Give it a listen:

I was struck by the imagery: "He will allure her. He will pursue her. And call her out. To wilderness with flowers in His hand. She is responding, beat up and hurting, deserving death. But offerings of life are found instead."

Then the most powerful image, "Call me lover, marry me for good." In that moment, I dared to put myself in the story. Oh how I identified with this woman. And I just basked in the beauty of God singing over me, and leading me towards acres of hope. God was inviting me towards intimacy and healing. 

You might be saying, what does all of this have to do with Florida, jobs, and family? It's this. God revealed to me two significant things over the course of the last few weeks of prayer and discernment.

One, although my heart is much more open to the possibility of moving back to Florida sometime in the future, it has become very apparent that my time here in Long Beach is not done. There has been so much good fruit borne in the last few months through investing in my neighborhood, Life Group, and ministry relationships, that it would be premature to leave just yet. I have much yet to learn in regards to community development, and I would love to do this alongside an incredible faith community and mentors who are doing it with me. I don't know where Florida fits in the timeline of my life, but all I know is "not now."

Two, God speaks through circumstances, your heart, community, and most importantly, the Word. If I solely looked at my circumstances, one might have to wonder - Florida? However, I asked the Lord to change my heart, and throughout the process of praying, my heart was not changing. As you can see, I found myself resentful towards God because it seemed like my desires didn't matter to God. But apparently, they did as God met me on my retreat. I gathered my community to pray with me and for me. And overwhelmingly, God spoke through them that my time is not finished here. I finally went to the Word, and God gave me this verse:

"And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Gal 6:9).

This experience just confirmed all the more that just because God closes a door in your life, doesn't mean that He's asking you to make some significant decision in another direction. If God is speaking for you to move in a different direction, He will confirm it in multiple ways. Not just through open doors.

So, as I've sought Jesus for answers over the past few weeks, He hasn't spelled it all out. But He has offered Himself. And has said, "...whoever drinks of the water that I give Him, will never be thirsty again" (John 4:14).

So, as I continue to wait and hope and long for things yet unseen, I will continue to drink deeply of the One who satisfies all of my deepest thirsts.

My friend.

Father.

Lover.
Living Water.

************************************

Acres of Hope (by Shane & Shane)

He will allure her, He will pursue her and call her outTo the wilderness with flowers in His handShe is responding beat up and hurting deserving deathBut offerings of life are found instead
She will sing, she will sing oh, to YouShe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead her away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
Here in the valley walk close beside me don't look backFor love is growing vineyards up ahead You have called me masterAnd though You're in the dark here call me friendAnd call me lover and marry me for good
She will sing, she will sing, oh, to YouShe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead her away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
How the story ends is love and tenderness in HimNot safe, but worth it so in the valley's up aheadOr the ones, we live we'll sing together, we'll sing together
We will sing, we will sing oh, to YouWe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead us away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope

Successfulness vs. Fruitfulness

As many of you know, I usually don't struggle with words. I love to write and the pages of my blog reveal this. This year, however, as I sat down to reflect on my year, I struggled to find words to sum up much of anything. What I think or feel. Themes. Lessons. Something.

Then I read this...

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness (Bread for the Journey, Nouwen).

I so resonate with these words. So much of 2012 was marked with brokenness, vulnerability, weakness, and pain. But the crazy thing about God is that beautiful things came through the vulnerability: Fruit.

John 15 speaks of this process as pruning: "...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (vs 2). Every branch that DOES bear fruit, he prunes? This rocked me. And then, "Every branch that does not bear fruit, he takes away" (vs 2). What a paradigm shift for me. As I've reflected on the pruning of the last few months, there have been moments where the pruning has felt like punishment. "I must not be doing something right to be experiencing so much loss and pain. Lord, I've been saying yes to you. So why does my life look this way?" Doesn't obedience lead to success?

It doesn't always work that way in the kingdom of God. John 15 reveals a different reality -- "Woah to you if you have not experienced pruning. For the Lord prunes the fruitful branches and throws away the ones lacking fruit" (my paraphrase). If success is not an indicator of God's hand or movement, then what is? Fruit. God forbid that I be among the branches which are thrown away and are useless to the kingdom.

So as I think about 2012, my trophy case is not full of grand accomplishments that most would find worthy of showing off (ie. new position, promotion, financial stability, travel experiences, or even finding the love of my life). But if I must boast (I Cor 1:31), let me brag about the fruit of God's work in my life and around me. Here are a couple stories that come to mind.

As many of you know, in the summer of 2012, I finally made the move to Central Long Beach to begin this journey of immersion and to discover God's heart for the urban poor of this city. I didn't have an instruction manual, but maybe a few guiding principles: pray, build relationships, and pray some more. Now 7 months in, I am absolutely amazed at the level of relationships that have formed in our neighborhood. Many have become so much more than neighbors. They are dear friends whom we have come to love. We have been blessed to host 3 different families this Fall for dinner. We also hosted a few community events like a Pumpkin Carving party for the children in our neighborhood (with 9 kids and 8 adults), and a Christmas party (with 17 neighbors - all ages, different backgrounds, and languages). We also have loved being hosted by our neighbors -- for Carne Asada, Pozole dinners, Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve! But some of the sweetest moments that I cherish were the ones that were unplanned and left room for genuine relationships to emerge. 

Fall of 2012, I said yes to leading a Life Group. I had little expectations as to what things would look like, but my hope was that Life Group would be a good onramp for neighbors who were open to learning more about God. I was so grateful to have one of our neighbors come consistently every week. She comes from a Catholic background and has a rich story of how God has made Himself known in her life. However, she was hungry to know more about God and the Bible, so Life Group seemed like a natural next step. Every week, she would share with me what she was learning about the Bible and how God was speaking to her through the text. I was amazed to hear these stories week-to-week. But I remember one session, I had just shared with my Life Group that I lost my job. I was feeling pretty down and vulnerable and asking for prayer. As different prayer requests were thrown out and different people offered to pray for each other, my neighbor asked to pray for me. She doesn't pray out loud in front of people, so I knew this was a big deal.When it was her turn to pray, she prayed, "Lord, thank you so much for Michelle. She is one of the greatest things that has happened to me this year. Please hear her prayer and comfort her only the way you can...". By the time she said "amen" I was already in tears. God was using my neighbor to minister to me to remind me to continue being faithful cause He was working even in the midst of the loss.

When I think about the fruit of the last year, I am filled with much joy. My cup runs over. However, when I let myself think about the unexpected losses and heartaches of this past year, I am filled with much grief. Another reminder of how joy and sorrow often coexist within our hearts. Here, is where I cling to the wisdom of Paul, "...For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ...Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:8-9,13-14). 

I am praying big prayers to God right now regarding 2013 because He says to. "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples" (John 15:7-8). I do not lose heart because I know jobs expire, unemployment runs out, success fades, relationships come and go. However, the fruit of the kingdom is what lasts. And His promises endure: "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full" (vs. 11).

I may look like a stripped and stark branch right now. But watch out. This branch is not dead. Spring is coming. And the promise of new life is just around the corner.