Church of the City

It's been 8 months since I became a Long Beach resident.
I am well-acquainted with the 710 and the 405.
I frequent the local "It's a Grind" and "Coffee Bean" at least once a week and have become a recognizable face.
The local gym staff greet me by name, and the neighbors wave hello when they see me on the street.
I've become accustomed to the street sweeping routine.
And I know the best breakfast places, running trails, and parks in a 10-mile radius.
Long Beach has become home.

It's not hard to love this place, as you'll find any local a die hard "LBC" fan.
But much of my affection for this city has grown through the influence of my most recent job -- Vision360 Long Beach -- an organization which has set out to love their city by empowering the "big C" Church of the City to respond to the needs of their community.
As I was saying my goodbyes last week to my boss/mentor, I was struck by the overwhelming realization that my life would forever be changed by the influence of this organization and this man.
Who knew a 5-month job could be so significant?

Prior to Vision360, I admit that I had a very short-sighted and limited vision for ministry in the city.
I really had no framework for understanding the importance of relationships and partnerships like I do now.
It was through Vision360 that I saw for the first time businessmen and church leaders sitting across the table working together for a common goal = to love their city.
This is so rare, but I am starting to see that this is KEY to transforming a community.
How much more would our cities benefit if we stopped trying to recreate programs and resources that others in our community are already doing well, and focus our energies on building stronger partnerships?
How can we work to be on the "same team?"
That was one thing that always amazed me about my boss.
He works really hard to stay connected to visionaries and leaders throughout the city.
He refers to business partners as friends.
He never saw them as commodities, but rather, people who had something to teach him.
And it is out of these trusting relationships that lasting partnerships have been built.
If we, the Church, were more willing to partner with each other rather than fight each other over petty differences, our communities would be better for it.

As I am beginning to see myself as a part of the greater Church of the City, I find that my paradigm for ministry in the city is changing as I think about what's next for me vocationally.
My opportunity for community impact isn't confined to my local church or working in a non-profit organization.
But rather, no matter what domain I find myself in, I am committed to using my resources and influence to better love and serve my community. Period.
I don't have to have a position title that designates me as a leader in my community.
If I learned anything from Vision360 and my mentor, it is that your capacity for community impact is directly connected to the level of your relationships/partnerships and long-term commitment to that city.

At the end of the day, I want to be faithful.
I will find a way to love my city whether I am working in the non-profit sector, a public university, the church, or the business domain.
I am indebted to Vision360 and my mentor for giving me a picture of what "missional" living can look like no matter what domain I serve in long-term.

I am not an island, but part of something much greater than myself... the Church.


“I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me" (John 17:20-21).

2011: A Year of Transition

According to StrengthsFinder, my top strength is "Context" which means that I like to look to the past in order to understand my future. My second highest strength is "Connectedness" which means that I easily see purpose and connection in everyday circumstances. I used to teach this stuff, so don't judge me. :) So here is me putting both of these strengths into practice...

My 2011 Reflections

The overwhelming word that comes to mind when I think of 2011 is TRANSITION. I'd like to say that I am an expert in transitions--geographical, relational, professional, cultural--given the course of my 20s. However, each transition has come with its own set of challenges and opportunities. Each has the capacity to completely derail me if I lose sight of my core vision. But each has the capacity to bring about transformation in my life if I persevere and choose to trust in the One who is leading me. 2011--the year I turned 30--has marked a significant year of preparation, closure, risk, trial, loss, gain, and acceptance.

PREPARATION (Jan-Mar)
Coming into the New Year, I knew that 2011 was going to be a big one. By this point, I had already felt confirmed that this was the year that I would step out of Res Life and make the move to Long Beach. I knew that this meant that I would have to quit my job and find a new job, and would need to figure out housing, roommate, etc. February, I turned in my resignation with a little bit of fear and trembling. Not because I doubted God's direction, but because I knew that I was taking a big risk in giving up a secure job in this economy in order to say yes to God's call in my life. With 5 months left in my job, I saved every penny, actively applied for jobs, wrapped up loose ends in my job, secured a temporary housing situation, found a roommate, and tried to remain present and grateful in my final moments at Biola. In the midst of many questions, I did everything I could to prepare well for the upcoming transition, but at the end of the day, I knew that I was taking a big risk. A risk that only God could provide for...


CLOSURE/RISK (Apr-June)

All I can remember about April is that it was a whirlwind. It began with hiring the new RD that would take my position, a reunion of all of my Biola RAs from 2007-2011, 30th Birthday celebrations, and beginning a new dating relationship. May 1st marked the first half marathon I have ever completed. And then the rest of May and June was filled with non-stop closure banquets, ceremonies, tasks, conversations, and visiting Florida twice for my brother's graduation and my friend's wedding. Even though the pace of my life was ridiculously full, I felt both CONFIDENT--having turned 30 and completing one of my best years professionally in Res Life--and HOPEFUL--boldly risking dating again and beating a lifetime goal of running a half-marathon (something I never thought I could do). I felt as if I was ending one phase of my life and saying hello to another. As I packed my bags, all I knew was that there was no turning back.


NEW BEGINNINGS/TRIAL (July-Sept)

Things started off beautifully. The Schmidt family (the beautifully family that I have a million pictures of on my blog and Facebook) took me in as I was in need of a temporary place to live during this time of job transition. God knew exactly what I needed in this season. And that was a place of belonging. The Lord gave me this verse at the beginning stages of my transition to Long Beach: "God settles the solitary in a home..." (Ps 68:6). What a grace of God--a gift that I didn't realize would be a steady foundation for me in the coming months. After the honeymoon stage of change faded, however, reality started to settle in, bank account began to dwindle, and the difficulty of finding a job became more and more discouraging. I made it my full-time job to be looking for jobs, but somehow, it wasn't enough. No phone calls. No interviews. Told that I was overqualified. Three months passed, and with only a month left of funds, I was on the verge of desperation. I let go of the "ideal", feeling defeated, and was willing to take anything that could pay the bills. Around the same time, I was shocked to find out that a good friend of mine from high school, Aaron Vaughn, was one of the Navy Seals that was killed in the helicopter crash in Afghanistan. And finally, the relationship I was in fizzled. The only thing that was carrying me through the darkness of this season was God's promise to me that he would "settle" me, provide for me, wouldn't leave me stranded, and was my comfort and hope.


LOSS/GAIN (Sept-Nov)

Coming out of a season of testing and desperation, everything changed when I got the phone call. In a matter of 3 days, Eric, City Catalyst for Vision360 Long Beach, hired me for a job that was absolutely perfect and had NOTHING to do with me and my efforts (You can read my previous blog to get the whole story). It was one of those "midnight hour" moments--when you've finally reached the end of yourself and God steps in. Around the same time, I had also been hired to help a friend with some office admin work for his after-school guitar program. Between these two jobs, the Lord not only provided for my monthly bills, but also allowed me to buy a plane ticket home for Christmas, and to run another half-marathon in Santa Barbara. Although my resources were slim, I was finally beginning to settle just a little bit. However, I was very aware that my Vision360 job was only a temporary provision as it was set to end February 1st. In the midst of this season, I was also experiencing the distance of my Biola relationships, while my Long Beach connections were expanding and deepening--the nature of proximity and relational transitions. In the little space that I had outside of my two part-time jobs, I was trying to make myself available to the Schmidt family, spearheading some new changes for our church's praise team, and intentionally developing relationships with my new Long Beach neighbors. Somewhere along the way, I found myself stretched thin. I was experiencing both the goodness of many opportunities, but also my own limitations to keep up with it all. This caused me to reevaluate my priorities, rather than saying "yes" to everything that came my way.


ACCEPTANCE (Dec-)
In the last month, as I have been looking forward to 2012, I am forced to face the reality that these abundant temporary provisions that were provided at a point of desperation (ie. Vision360 job and housing) are quickly coming to an end. I need a full-time job--in order to pay rent--in order move closer into the neighborhood my church is invested in--in order to begin investing more deeply in ministry and relationships in the city. As I am aware of my need, I also am coming to a place of acceptance that these things take time and the fulfillment of this ministry calling won't be revealed overnight. It requires long-term commitment and patience. I am encouraged that God didn't bring me this far to leave me stranded--once again my Psalm 68:6 promise. With so many questions ahead, I have asked the Lord to reaffirm my ministry calling. He gave me this verse, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you... I consecrated you... I appointed you...." (Jeremiah 1:5). Even though I can't see the bigger vision of God's plan for me here in Long Beach, I recognize that there is purpose and I am just on the brink of this journey. Somehow, this reality has allowed me to have more open hands with God's timeline and provision as I look towards the future.


Final Thoughts & Reflections
- Be Faithful: I will be quick to admit that I have NO idea what God is doing. 2011 looks entirely different than I anticipated. Both for the better, and at times, painful. But all I do know is that God is calling me to be faithful. Faithful to the calling that He has given me to seek the flourishing of the city for the sake of seeing God's shalom here on earth. But also faithful in the small, intermediate steps along the way. *If this language is jibberish to you, please read this article on Shalom Theology. It is a really shaping part of my theology.
- Forgive and Let Go (again and again...): This has been a huge year of forgiveness--both for myself and for some painful relationships of my past. I find that as I have been faithful to step out in this season that Satan has loved reminding me of the past, bringing up old wounds and making me feel insignificant. Once I was able to see it for what it was--lies and attacks from the enemy--I was able to receive God's forgiveness and extend forgiveness once again to those who have hurt me. There is nothing worse than holding on to old resentments and bitterness if you are trying to be faithful to God. "First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt 5:24).
- Relationships in my 30s: I have realized entering my 30s, that I need to approach relationships a little differently. There is a tricky balance between being OPEN and NOT SETTLING. I have experienced the pain of both. Being so open that I ignore my intuitions which tell me that this person is not a life partner. But also being so narrow in my "standards" or ideas of an ideal mate that I close myself off to great guys. The tendency I think for many 30-yr old females is to settle because they become desperate. I can see that temptation, but I am not willing to live miserably. This year has been an active year of dating, and in the midst of it all, I have learned a lot about this balance--both to trust my gut a little more as well as to define what my non-negotiables are and stick to them. I don't feel like I have to make anything happen to change my relationship status, but I think I feel more equipped to know how to identify a life partner, rather than just a quality guy. In the meantime, I am perfectly content being single and living undividedly for the Lord (I Cor. 7:33-35). That is where He has me now, and it is a GOOD place to be.
- Remembering, Contentment and Hope: In hopes to wrap up this really long blog entry, I will end with this. In order to have hope for the future, I am realizing that it's important to remember God's faithfulness in my past, as well as find an acceptance for the present. Deuteronomy 6:12 says, "...take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery." When in the midst of trials and tribulation, we forget. We easily resort to old fears and choose unbelief. That is why it is SO important to take time to remember. My remembrance stone from 2011 is the day I got the phone call in early September when I was at my midnight hour. God provided a job that was above and beyond my greatest imagination. How could He not do the same again? How I long to hear these words from the Lord, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master" (Matthew 25:21). It's in accepting and living fully in my present, that I bring pleasure and glory to the Master. Hope, then, is just an overflow of the heart that has found complete trust in a trustworthy God. This may take a lifetime to learn, but the Lord is truly discipling me in this season. And at the end of the day, that is His will for His people--no matter what stage of life or circumstance we find ourselves in. May I be more like Christ in 2012--a little wiser, a little more humble, a little more gracious, a little more faithful. 


Okay. 2,000+ words later... bring on the New Year!!

Taxiing in the "Not Yet" Zone

One word that has really resonated with my current season is this idea of taxiing on a plane.

When I moved out to Long Beach 7 months ago, I had high hopes for how it all would unfold. I assumed that I would have a few more things figured out by now. But the reality is, I am still very much in the thick of my transition. God has provided abundant, temporary provisions for me. Yet, I still have huge questions looming as I look towards the future.

I feel like I have landed. I'm here in Long Beach. A place I have come to love and call home. I can see out my window and see all that I came here for. I am experiencing tastes of what doing ministry in the city looks like. I am waiting, watching, legs cramped, exhausted, anticipating. So close. Yet, not quite there. Got my bags, ready to go. Yet, I am at the mercy of the pilot and his cue to empty the plane.

I feel so ready to jump out and start putting some of these deep, inward convictions into practice. To love and work towards the shalom of the city. I'm ready to be immersed. To be radically changed. For my heart's capacity to love to be stretched. To be surprised by God's work all around me. To join Him in it.

Yet, the practicality of finding a full-time job has put my life at a standstill. I find myself at the end of 2011 with a status update of "not yet."

To take this analogy another step forward, I feel like I have been privileged to fly first class in this temporary transition. God has blessed me with abundant provisions--an incredible home and people who have taken me in as family, beautiful children which give me so much joy and life, two incredible jobs that allow me to work with some incredible people, friendships that will last a lifetime, and opportunities to serve in the church and community.

However, planes were built to fly you from one destination to another. We're not meant to settle on the plane. We're meant to land and get off. And such is the nature of my transition. I was never meant to settle here. Which, at times, can make the in between a hard place to be.

If I allow myself to zoom out at the bigger picture, I realize that my view of what's ahead might be a little short-sighted:

Words from a wise man, "Consider the ‘long-view’. 'Don’t try to transform your neighborhood or city this year. Give it time. If you stay in a place for 30 years, you’ll be surprised what God does.' Buy a house. Have children. Develop friendships. Consider the Jeremiah strategy, not just Jonah’s'."

This wisdom is just a reminder to me that God's plans or timeline is not my own. He sees the bigger picture, where my human mind can only conceive what's in front of me. Most times, out of good intentions, I am so eager to move. But in my eagerness, I can also move ahead of God. The "not yet's" are just as important as the "yes's" from God. And endurance is what is needed in order to encounter long-term change.


So as I look towards 2012, I am both hopeful and learning to trust that the plan that God has laid out is what's best. That is why I'm here. Not for my own agenda. So I must be patient, ask God to strengthen my waiting muscles, and  help me be faithful in the "not yet" moments of my life.


Let me take my cues from Jeremiah and learn what it means to endure with hope.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 
and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  
and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts 
through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5).

Unsettled and Settling

When I moved in with a family from my church earlier this summer, I was thinking 2-3 months was about the time frame that I would need in this time of transition.
I put my stuff in temporary storage (aka: my friends' guest bedroom in her house).
And brought maybe 15% of my belongings with me.
My thinking was--2-3 months, I would have a job.
I would be looking for an apartment.
This season was meant to be short-term.

Now 4 months later, I find myself in a very different situation.
Grateful to have 2 part-time jobs that I love and are a huge blessing (although one is short-term).
Building relationships with others who are passionate about the city of Long Beach and are making me fall in love with this place.
Feeling more and more at home living with this family.
Enjoying 3 beautiful kids which bring me so much joy and life.
Getting to live alongside one of the most amazing women I know and respect.
Okay with living simply. Who knew that I wouldn't miss the other 85% of my stuff?
Inheriting free furniture along the way (anticipating the move) but for now makes my room look like a storage closet.
The list goes on...

Current State of my Room 

This picture really captures this season in a nutshell.
A mattress just waiting to be used next to a desk where I work from home, both currently blocking my closet.
Not quite settled, yet functioning.
Unideal, yet gifts in disguise.

Sure, I would love to have full-time meaningful work with benefits right now.
I would love to be living in an apartment closer to the Westside where my church is invested in ministry.
I would love to have space to be volunteering my time to things I love.

But this is not the plan that the Lord has laid out for me right now.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of hoping that some sort of "normalcy" (whatever that is) will bring the peace and rest that I am looking for.
But this lie keeps us constantly spinning our wheels.
Striving, and yet missing out on the many gifts of today.
Maybe my picture of what's normal is not what the Lord has.
Or necessarily what is best.

Up until this point, resting was hard without having certain things secured in my life.
In the midst of the unsettledness which currently exists, I have choices to make.
Will I choose to believe in the good that each day holds?
Beyond my circumstances.
Beyond my relationship status.
Beyond my job status.
Beyond my financial status.
Beyond these other things that the world promises will bring the settledness we all long for as humans.

Somehow, God's promise to me a few weeks ago, "He settles the solitary in a home" (Ps 68:6) is bearing fruit.
Maybe just not in the ways I originally thought He would settle me.

The Other 9.1%

Let's be honest...

UNEMPLOYMENT SUCKS.

Finding a job is a full-time job.
You work so hard going through the daily grind of job searching, constant resume and cover letter updating, making phone calls, exhausting your resources...
Only to wake up and do it all again the next day.
Meanwhile, watching your bank account dwindle...
Trying to make ends meet by taking odd jobs.
Your supposedly empty schedule becomes very full with endless tasks...
Because the list never goes away until you find a job.
Anxiety and fear creeps in.
You develop a plan B, C, D, and E.
Trying to be hopeful, open, flexible, but bordering desperation.
Ideals dwindle, and a job just becomes about survival.

Identity, rocked.
Security, unsure.
Anxiety, high.
Faith, tested.

I struggled writing tonight because this all feels so messy, so raw.
But it's honest.
I am being rocked on every level.
Yet, so is almost 9.1% of America.
I have a newfound compassion for the unemployed.

When I allow myself to zoom out on my life,
I have to believe that there is purpose in this season.
Even if it be a time of refinement in my faith,
growth in compassion for the poor and sojourner who face this on a daily basis,
or to be reminded of where my true identity lies.

My only hope is in Him and His promises.
God knows my needs and sees me.
He promises to provide.
It won't always be this way.

What would I do without the hope I have in Jesus?
What does the other 9.1% do?

"On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand."

Mercies in Disguise

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is revealing of a greater thirst that this world cannot satisfy. What if the trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise."

A Generous God

I don't have a difficult time believing that God will provide for my basic needs... food, shelter, clothing.
But, I do have a difficult time believing that God wants to be generous with me.
Is that because I feel entitled to certain things?
I am willing to admit that my definition of what makes God generous is a little skewed.

Today, I found myself discouraged and having difficulty believing that God wants to be generous with me.
It's so easy to look at others' lives and the ways that God had been generous with them, and wonder "Why not me, Lord?"
"Why must I continue to struggle and face this barrier?"
[cricket, cricket]

Tonight, as I read Matthew 20:1-15, I am forced to ask a different question:

"For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard. About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went. He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’ ‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered.  He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.' When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’ The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’ But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’ So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

It's easy to read this passage and struggle with the question, Is God being generous or unfair?
Well, if at the core of what I believe is that I will succeed or receive what I want if I perform in a certain way, then yes, the landowner would be considered very unfair.
But, if at the core of what I believe is that I am poor and needy, and the landowner gave me an opportunity to work for the day and get paid (whether that be 1 hr or 12), then I would say that he was generous.
Perspective is everything in this story.
Of who the workers were in relation to the landowner.
And the same is true for us.
Having a proper perspective of who we are in relation to the Almighty God will reveal what the true answer is.
God is incredibly generous with us simply because He loves us, not because we have earned His favor.

I was convicted as I read this passage because I realize how I all too often go to God with a set of expectations that He will work in a certain way in my life, and if He doesn't, I judge God as unfair.
I would never admit this out loud, but this is so often what I do.

God may not promise to answer my prayers exactly as I expect Him to, but He does promise to stay true to His character.
God's character never changes.
And His love for me is steadfast.

Jehovah Jireh.
My Provider.
The God who brought down manna to the grumbling Israelites.
The God who saw Hagar and Ishmael dying in the desert and provided a well.
The God who hears Nehemiah's plead to rebuild his beloved war-torn city of Jerusalem.
The God who sees the Hellenistic Jews being overlooked and gives them a seat of power of the distribution of food.
This same God sees and hears me.
Knows what I need before I even ask for any of it.
And is already working on my behalf.
Differently than I am probably anticipating.
But He is working.
And He does promise to provide.
And His provision is always generous when we can recognize that there is nothing in our strength, will, or goodness which can secure anything for ourselves apart from the grace of God.

May I wait in anticipation of this generous God and be a recipient of His daily graces with a heart of gratitude.
Lord, forgive me for my short-sightedness and desire to always be in control. Help me to receive from You as You long to lavish good gifts to Your children.

Let the words of this great hymn encourage your hearts to more deeply trust our Generous God as it has mine.

Know Yourself As Truly Loved

In the midst of transition where my faith seems to be tested more than ever, I have to keep coming back to the solid place. Henri Nouwen knows just the right words to speak to my soul.

Some people have lived such oppressed lives that their true selves have become completely unreachable to them. They need help to break through their oppression. Their power to free themselves has to be at least as strong as the power that keeps them down. Sometimes they need permission to explode: to let out their deepest emotions and to shake off the alien forces. Screaming, yelling, crying, and even physical fighting might be expressions of liberation. 

You, however, do not seem to need such explosion. For you, the problem is not to get something out of your system but to take something in that deepens and strengthens your sense of your goodness and allows your anguish to be embraced by love.

You will discover that the more love you can take in and hold on to, the less fearful you will become. You will speak more simply, more directly, and more freely about what is important to you, without fear of other people's reactions. You will also use fewer words, trusting that you communicate your true self even when you do not speak much. 

The disciples of Jesus had a real sense of his loving presence as they went out to preach. They had seen him, eaten with him, and spoken with him after his resurrection. They had come to live a deep connectedness with him and drew from that connectedness the strength to speak out with simplicity and directness, unafraid of being misunderstood or rejected. 

The more you come to know yourself - spirit, mind, and body - as truly loved, the freer you will be to proclaim the good news. That is the freedom of the children of God.

Excerpt from Inner Voice of Love 

My New Crib

As of Saturday, June 17th, I made the big move from the concrete jungle of La Mirada to the family friendly world of Bixby Knolls in Long Beach where I am living with a beautiful family from my church. They so graciously are letting me stay with them as I am in transition and looking for a job. In the meantime, I get to enjoy simple pleasures like runs in the neighborhood, waking up to 3 lovely children (Isaac, Chloe, and Marcus), and living only minutes away from those I consider my California family.

World, meet my new crib.

a huge closet packed to the brim.

 a huge window and keyboard on loan.

fresh flowers and welcome pictures from the kiddos as wall art.

more to come...