After a few weeks of some pretty dry spells and confusing circumstances, God has overwhelmed me with some powerful images of Himself.
In a prayer time with some ladies a couple weeks ago, I was surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth... "I feel like my desires don't matter to God." It had become apparent that so much of how I approach the Christian life is out of this place of duty and obligation. Living in a world of "should's." I should do this or that because that is the right thing to do. This may get you through the elementary stages of the Christian life, but if you continue to follow Christ with this mindset, you will find yourself resentful and bitter.
Like I did.
The last few months have been nothing but saying "yes" to him and pouring out into the community and Life Group. And as fruit has increased in these different ministries, other areas of my life began to fall apart. So as I sat on a plane to Florida with my life flashing before my eyes, wondering if this would be the last time I'd get to see my grandma as she was ill in the hospital, I cried out, "God, if this is you trying to get me to move back to Florida, I need you to change my heart."
As potential opportunities began to fall in my lap making it possible to move back to Florida, and job opportunities continued to close in California, I cried out to God in desperation: "I feel like a puppet on a string. I have absolutely no control in the way my life will go. I am completely at the mercy of God... do my desires not matter to you, God?"
Why the strong reaction?
Do I not love my family? Far from true.
Do I hate Florida? No.
Can God give me a love for Miami, Ft Lauderdale, or West Palm in the ways He gave me a love for Chicago and Long Beach? Definitely.
The strong reaction: I felt like God didn't see me. He didn't care about my desires. All the prayers and hopes of the last 5 years coming to a head in the last year of ministry felt worthless. The investment in my church community and neighborhood, prematurely cut off. The pressure I felt to move home made me resentful.
And here I was stuck in this world of "shoulds" again.
As I prayed with these women who know me well and love me, we stewed in the John 15 passage for a while (Jesus is the True Vine, We are the Branches passage). And God began to unravel a new script of the last few months right before my eyes...
"...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (John 15:2).
As I reflected in my previous blog post, God doesn't prune the dead branches. He prunes the ones that actually are bearing fruit so that they will bear more fruit.. A lightbulb went off. The last few months' loss were not indicative of disobedience, God punishing me, or God trying to redirect me. Rather, the last few months have revealed that God has actually been in the process of pruning me. Pruning me of things that I hold my security and worth for the purpose of making me even more fruitful for His kingdom. Clarity began to emerge.
The story line continued as I went for a day retreat a few days later...
"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (vs. 15).
I identify with this woman (pictured). She's on her knees, helpless, crying out for God's mercy. A servant. Trying to be faithful, but weary. "Friend? My master now says to call Him friend? Who am I that Jesus would call me friend?" There is an intimacy in friendship. A sense of knowing each other, enjoying each other, and wanting what is best for the other person. Friends do things for each other out of love. Not obligation. It's as if Christ sees this woman, lifts up her chin and says, "Rise. Walk with me. Abide with me. Let me make known to you all that I am doing." He's inviting me into a friendship that has absolutely nothing to do with what I can offer Him.
"God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons [and daughters]. And because you are [daughters], God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a [daughter], and if a [daughter], then an heir through God" (Gal 4:4-7).
"You are a part of my family. I have chosen you and adopted you as my own." The Father-daughter relationship is probably the relationship that feels the hardest for me to relate to as I don't have much to draw from in my life. But the term "adopted" is powerful to me. I know what it's like to have a Father figure in my life who chose to love me like a father even when mine was not there. God is inviting me to rest in His care as His daughter. He calls me His own, desires nothing but good for me, and promises to provide for my every need.
A few days later on the car ride home, I dusted off an old CD titled "Mellow Mix" from 2008 and put it into my car [yes, I admit to still using CDs. Welcome to the 21st century, I know]. As I listened, I came across an old favorite titled "Acres of Hope."
Give it a listen:
I was struck by the imagery: "He will allure her. He will pursue her. And call her out. To wilderness with flowers in His hand. She is responding, beat up and hurting, deserving death. But offerings of life are found instead."
Then the most powerful image, "Call me lover, marry me for good." In that moment, I dared to put myself in the story. Oh how I identified with this woman. And I just basked in the beauty of God singing over me, and leading me towards acres of hope. God was inviting me towards intimacy and healing.
You might be saying, what does all of this have to do with Florida, jobs, and family? It's this. God revealed to me two significant things over the course of the last few weeks of prayer and discernment.
One, although my heart is much more open to the possibility of moving back to Florida sometime in the future, it has become very apparent that my time here in Long Beach is not done. There has been so much good fruit borne in the last few months through investing in my neighborhood, Life Group, and ministry relationships, that it would be premature to leave just yet. I have much yet to learn in regards to community development, and I would love to do this alongside an incredible faith community and mentors who are doing it with me. I don't know where Florida fits in the timeline of my life, but all I know is "not now."
This experience just confirmed all the more that just because God closes a door in your life, doesn't mean that He's asking you to make some significant decision in another direction. If God is speaking for you to move in a different direction, He will confirm it in multiple ways. Not just through open doors.
In a prayer time with some ladies a couple weeks ago, I was surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth... "I feel like my desires don't matter to God." It had become apparent that so much of how I approach the Christian life is out of this place of duty and obligation. Living in a world of "should's." I should do this or that because that is the right thing to do. This may get you through the elementary stages of the Christian life, but if you continue to follow Christ with this mindset, you will find yourself resentful and bitter.
Like I did.
The last few months have been nothing but saying "yes" to him and pouring out into the community and Life Group. And as fruit has increased in these different ministries, other areas of my life began to fall apart. So as I sat on a plane to Florida with my life flashing before my eyes, wondering if this would be the last time I'd get to see my grandma as she was ill in the hospital, I cried out, "God, if this is you trying to get me to move back to Florida, I need you to change my heart."
As potential opportunities began to fall in my lap making it possible to move back to Florida, and job opportunities continued to close in California, I cried out to God in desperation: "I feel like a puppet on a string. I have absolutely no control in the way my life will go. I am completely at the mercy of God... do my desires not matter to you, God?"
Why the strong reaction?
Do I not love my family? Far from true.
Do I hate Florida? No.
Can God give me a love for Miami, Ft Lauderdale, or West Palm in the ways He gave me a love for Chicago and Long Beach? Definitely.
The strong reaction: I felt like God didn't see me. He didn't care about my desires. All the prayers and hopes of the last 5 years coming to a head in the last year of ministry felt worthless. The investment in my church community and neighborhood, prematurely cut off. The pressure I felt to move home made me resentful.
And here I was stuck in this world of "shoulds" again.
As I prayed with these women who know me well and love me, we stewed in the John 15 passage for a while (Jesus is the True Vine, We are the Branches passage). And God began to unravel a new script of the last few months right before my eyes...
"...every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit" (John 15:2).
As I reflected in my previous blog post, God doesn't prune the dead branches. He prunes the ones that actually are bearing fruit so that they will bear more fruit.. A lightbulb went off. The last few months' loss were not indicative of disobedience, God punishing me, or God trying to redirect me. Rather, the last few months have revealed that God has actually been in the process of pruning me. Pruning me of things that I hold my security and worth for the purpose of making me even more fruitful for His kingdom. Clarity began to emerge.
The story line continued as I went for a day retreat a few days later...
"No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (vs. 15).I identify with this woman (pictured). She's on her knees, helpless, crying out for God's mercy. A servant. Trying to be faithful, but weary. "Friend? My master now says to call Him friend? Who am I that Jesus would call me friend?" There is an intimacy in friendship. A sense of knowing each other, enjoying each other, and wanting what is best for the other person. Friends do things for each other out of love. Not obligation. It's as if Christ sees this woman, lifts up her chin and says, "Rise. Walk with me. Abide with me. Let me make known to you all that I am doing." He's inviting me into a friendship that has absolutely nothing to do with what I can offer Him.
"God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons [and daughters]. And because you are [daughters], God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a [daughter], and if a [daughter], then an heir through God" (Gal 4:4-7)."You are a part of my family. I have chosen you and adopted you as my own." The Father-daughter relationship is probably the relationship that feels the hardest for me to relate to as I don't have much to draw from in my life. But the term "adopted" is powerful to me. I know what it's like to have a Father figure in my life who chose to love me like a father even when mine was not there. God is inviting me to rest in His care as His daughter. He calls me His own, desires nothing but good for me, and promises to provide for my every need.
A few days later on the car ride home, I dusted off an old CD titled "Mellow Mix" from 2008 and put it into my car [yes, I admit to still using CDs. Welcome to the 21st century, I know]. As I listened, I came across an old favorite titled "Acres of Hope."
Give it a listen:
I was struck by the imagery: "He will allure her. He will pursue her. And call her out. To wilderness with flowers in His hand. She is responding, beat up and hurting, deserving death. But offerings of life are found instead."
Then the most powerful image, "Call me lover, marry me for good." In that moment, I dared to put myself in the story. Oh how I identified with this woman. And I just basked in the beauty of God singing over me, and leading me towards acres of hope. God was inviting me towards intimacy and healing.
You might be saying, what does all of this have to do with Florida, jobs, and family? It's this. God revealed to me two significant things over the course of the last few weeks of prayer and discernment.
One, although my heart is much more open to the possibility of moving back to Florida sometime in the future, it has become very apparent that my time here in Long Beach is not done. There has been so much good fruit borne in the last few months through investing in my neighborhood, Life Group, and ministry relationships, that it would be premature to leave just yet. I have much yet to learn in regards to community development, and I would love to do this alongside an incredible faith community and mentors who are doing it with me. I don't know where Florida fits in the timeline of my life, but all I know is "not now."
Two, God speaks through circumstances, your heart, community, and most importantly, the Word. If I solely looked at my circumstances, one might have to wonder - Florida? However, I asked the Lord to change my heart, and throughout the process of praying, my heart was not changing. As you can see, I found myself resentful towards God because it seemed like my desires didn't matter to God. But apparently, they did as God met me on my retreat. I gathered my community to pray with me and for me. And overwhelmingly, God spoke through them that my time is not finished here. I finally went to the Word, and God gave me this verse:
"And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up" (Gal 6:9).
So, as I've sought Jesus for answers over the past few weeks, He hasn't spelled it all out. But He has offered Himself. And has said, "...whoever drinks of the water that I give Him, will never be thirsty again" (John 4:14).
So, as I continue to wait and hope and long for things yet unseen, I will continue to drink deeply of the One who satisfies all of my deepest thirsts.
My friend.
Father.
Lover.
Living Water.
Living Water.
************************************
Acres of Hope (by Shane & Shane)
She will sing, she will sing oh, to YouShe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead her away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
Here in the valley walk close beside me don't look backFor love is growing vineyards up ahead You have called me masterAnd though You're in the dark here call me friendAnd call me lover and marry me for good
She will sing, she will sing, oh, to YouShe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead her away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
How the story ends is love and tenderness in HimNot safe, but worth it so in the valley's up aheadOr the ones, we live we'll sing together, we'll sing together
We will sing, we will sing oh, to YouWe will sing as in the days of youthAs You lead us away to valleys lowTo acres of hope, acres of hope
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