Story Time: Facing Fears

In the first month of my transition to my new neighborhood, I was quickly confronted by my fears. You don't always realize how tightly you are holding on to your life and things until they are threatened.

I was hanging out at home one Friday night by myself, watching a movie in the TV room. I had only been living here for about a week when I was first confronted by my fears. Earlier that day, we had a yard sale where a neighbor shared with us some crazy stories and history about this house and the neighborhood. While these thoughts were ruminating in my mind, I suddenly heard a sound outside our den (converted garage) which sounded like spray paint. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that someone must have been graffiti-ing outside on our garage. I didn't know what graffiti-ing meant -- was this a threat -- we're new to the neighborhood -- are we being targeted -- were the first thoughts that came to mind. Fear crept in. I froze, didn't know what to do. My roommate finally was able to talk me down on the phone and I decided to not call the cops. All I could do to calm me down was take a shower, pray the blood of Jesus over our home, and then put myself to sleep with a noise maker to block out any outside sounds. I was so surprised at myself and my response. My self talk -- come on Michelle, it's just spray paint. No big deal. Calm down. Feeling inadequate, insecure, unsure of how to navigate these new surroundings -- confronted with the reality that I must hold loosely my stuff and my life -- God is my only security and the protector of my life, and that is enough. The Lord gave me peace that night, but this was the beginning of looking at my fears square in the face. Who and what voices was I going to give power to? The next day, we checked our garage -- no graffiti.

Almost three weeks ago, I had decided to come home for a quick visit to make some dinner before doing some other errands. It was 6:30pm and still light outside. As I was in the kitchen, I heard 2 loud knocks on the door. As I finished washing my hands, I made my way to the door to see through the glass a shorter Latino male in his young 20s. He was turning around to walk away as I rounded the corner, so I was pretty sure he didn't see me. I didn't know him and was by myself, so I decided to not answer it. As I headed back to the kitchen, something in my gut just felt like something wasn't right. So, I began to make sure all the windows were secure in the house. I made my way through the kitchen, the living room, looked outside the front room curtains and closed them, went to my bedroom at the front of the house and did the same thing. Just then, I heard a loud crash which sounded like a window shattering. I looked outside my bedroom window to the backyard and saw 2 Latino males jumping over our fence escaping. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. I wasn't sure if there were others that got in... So I called the cops right away and they were at the house in 30 seconds (literally). We walked through the house to see that no damage had been done. What I heard was a crate breaking -- the one that they used to prop themselves over the fence. I saw them and they saw me (probably from a lookout) before any damage had been done. The cop had told us that there had been a burglary about 2 blocks away earlier that week and that it would be wise to get a security alarm since we had one of the nicer homes on the block.

I realized that I had a choice. I could go into fix-it mode and do everything within my power to make sure we were "safe" and "secure." I could go into retaliation mode and figure out a way to fight back if this happened again. I could become powerless -- filled with anxiety and fear -- and allow it to cripple me from actually living my life. Or I could pray. 

This time I chose to pray first. My roommate and I grabbed some oil on our shelf and began to pray over and anoint every door frame and window in our home claiming the blood of Jesus over our home. There was something so empowering and liberating in doing this. He who is in us IS greater than he who is in the world. We have authority in Jesus' name. We do not have to live in fear -- for God holds our lives and promises us that He will be with us.

Eventually, we decided to get a security alarm and have made some security measures to make sure that we are being smart. But, overall, I am believing that God was with me -- allowed me to be home at that moment -- for if I decided to not come home that day, our house would have been robbed and we would have been dealing with a very different set of issues. God was gracious and in His mercy protected me and our stuff. It also makes me come back and reclaim this sense of calling to the city -- I chose this. I said yes to God to live incarnationally in this community knowing full well that this was coming with a cost. I am trusting that this is where God has me. In it, I am being transformed and my faith deepened.

Since our prayer time that night, I feel at peace. I don't feel the same anxiety that I experienced my first couple weeks. It is a sobering reality to wrestle with the preservation of our lives and stuff -- but it has been a good place for me to be. It keeps me longing for the kingdom, and helps me to recognize where my true security lies -- solely in Christ and His salvation. I have nothing to fear.

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Psalm 91: My Refuge and My Fortress

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler

and from the deadly pestilence.

 He will cover you with his pinions,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

 You will not fear the terror of the night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,

nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

 A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

 You will only look with your eyes

and see the recompense of the wicked.

 Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—

the Most High, who is my refuge—

 no evil shall be allowed to befall you,

no plague come near your tent.

 For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways.

 On their hands they will bear you up,

lest you strike your foot against a stone.

 You will tread on the lion and the adder;

the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;

I will protect him, because he knows my name.

 When he calls to me, I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and honor him.

 With long life I will satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”