2011: A Year of Transition

According to StrengthsFinder, my top strength is "Context" which means that I like to look to the past in order to understand my future. My second highest strength is "Connectedness" which means that I easily see purpose and connection in everyday circumstances. I used to teach this stuff, so don't judge me. :) So here is me putting both of these strengths into practice...

My 2011 Reflections

The overwhelming word that comes to mind when I think of 2011 is TRANSITION. I'd like to say that I am an expert in transitions--geographical, relational, professional, cultural--given the course of my 20s. However, each transition has come with its own set of challenges and opportunities. Each has the capacity to completely derail me if I lose sight of my core vision. But each has the capacity to bring about transformation in my life if I persevere and choose to trust in the One who is leading me. 2011--the year I turned 30--has marked a significant year of preparation, closure, risk, trial, loss, gain, and acceptance.

PREPARATION (Jan-Mar)
Coming into the New Year, I knew that 2011 was going to be a big one. By this point, I had already felt confirmed that this was the year that I would step out of Res Life and make the move to Long Beach. I knew that this meant that I would have to quit my job and find a new job, and would need to figure out housing, roommate, etc. February, I turned in my resignation with a little bit of fear and trembling. Not because I doubted God's direction, but because I knew that I was taking a big risk in giving up a secure job in this economy in order to say yes to God's call in my life. With 5 months left in my job, I saved every penny, actively applied for jobs, wrapped up loose ends in my job, secured a temporary housing situation, found a roommate, and tried to remain present and grateful in my final moments at Biola. In the midst of many questions, I did everything I could to prepare well for the upcoming transition, but at the end of the day, I knew that I was taking a big risk. A risk that only God could provide for...


CLOSURE/RISK (Apr-June)

All I can remember about April is that it was a whirlwind. It began with hiring the new RD that would take my position, a reunion of all of my Biola RAs from 2007-2011, 30th Birthday celebrations, and beginning a new dating relationship. May 1st marked the first half marathon I have ever completed. And then the rest of May and June was filled with non-stop closure banquets, ceremonies, tasks, conversations, and visiting Florida twice for my brother's graduation and my friend's wedding. Even though the pace of my life was ridiculously full, I felt both CONFIDENT--having turned 30 and completing one of my best years professionally in Res Life--and HOPEFUL--boldly risking dating again and beating a lifetime goal of running a half-marathon (something I never thought I could do). I felt as if I was ending one phase of my life and saying hello to another. As I packed my bags, all I knew was that there was no turning back.


NEW BEGINNINGS/TRIAL (July-Sept)

Things started off beautifully. The Schmidt family (the beautifully family that I have a million pictures of on my blog and Facebook) took me in as I was in need of a temporary place to live during this time of job transition. God knew exactly what I needed in this season. And that was a place of belonging. The Lord gave me this verse at the beginning stages of my transition to Long Beach: "God settles the solitary in a home..." (Ps 68:6). What a grace of God--a gift that I didn't realize would be a steady foundation for me in the coming months. After the honeymoon stage of change faded, however, reality started to settle in, bank account began to dwindle, and the difficulty of finding a job became more and more discouraging. I made it my full-time job to be looking for jobs, but somehow, it wasn't enough. No phone calls. No interviews. Told that I was overqualified. Three months passed, and with only a month left of funds, I was on the verge of desperation. I let go of the "ideal", feeling defeated, and was willing to take anything that could pay the bills. Around the same time, I was shocked to find out that a good friend of mine from high school, Aaron Vaughn, was one of the Navy Seals that was killed in the helicopter crash in Afghanistan. And finally, the relationship I was in fizzled. The only thing that was carrying me through the darkness of this season was God's promise to me that he would "settle" me, provide for me, wouldn't leave me stranded, and was my comfort and hope.


LOSS/GAIN (Sept-Nov)

Coming out of a season of testing and desperation, everything changed when I got the phone call. In a matter of 3 days, Eric, City Catalyst for Vision360 Long Beach, hired me for a job that was absolutely perfect and had NOTHING to do with me and my efforts (You can read my previous blog to get the whole story). It was one of those "midnight hour" moments--when you've finally reached the end of yourself and God steps in. Around the same time, I had also been hired to help a friend with some office admin work for his after-school guitar program. Between these two jobs, the Lord not only provided for my monthly bills, but also allowed me to buy a plane ticket home for Christmas, and to run another half-marathon in Santa Barbara. Although my resources were slim, I was finally beginning to settle just a little bit. However, I was very aware that my Vision360 job was only a temporary provision as it was set to end February 1st. In the midst of this season, I was also experiencing the distance of my Biola relationships, while my Long Beach connections were expanding and deepening--the nature of proximity and relational transitions. In the little space that I had outside of my two part-time jobs, I was trying to make myself available to the Schmidt family, spearheading some new changes for our church's praise team, and intentionally developing relationships with my new Long Beach neighbors. Somewhere along the way, I found myself stretched thin. I was experiencing both the goodness of many opportunities, but also my own limitations to keep up with it all. This caused me to reevaluate my priorities, rather than saying "yes" to everything that came my way.


ACCEPTANCE (Dec-)
In the last month, as I have been looking forward to 2012, I am forced to face the reality that these abundant temporary provisions that were provided at a point of desperation (ie. Vision360 job and housing) are quickly coming to an end. I need a full-time job--in order to pay rent--in order move closer into the neighborhood my church is invested in--in order to begin investing more deeply in ministry and relationships in the city. As I am aware of my need, I also am coming to a place of acceptance that these things take time and the fulfillment of this ministry calling won't be revealed overnight. It requires long-term commitment and patience. I am encouraged that God didn't bring me this far to leave me stranded--once again my Psalm 68:6 promise. With so many questions ahead, I have asked the Lord to reaffirm my ministry calling. He gave me this verse, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you... I consecrated you... I appointed you...." (Jeremiah 1:5). Even though I can't see the bigger vision of God's plan for me here in Long Beach, I recognize that there is purpose and I am just on the brink of this journey. Somehow, this reality has allowed me to have more open hands with God's timeline and provision as I look towards the future.


Final Thoughts & Reflections
- Be Faithful: I will be quick to admit that I have NO idea what God is doing. 2011 looks entirely different than I anticipated. Both for the better, and at times, painful. But all I do know is that God is calling me to be faithful. Faithful to the calling that He has given me to seek the flourishing of the city for the sake of seeing God's shalom here on earth. But also faithful in the small, intermediate steps along the way. *If this language is jibberish to you, please read this article on Shalom Theology. It is a really shaping part of my theology.
- Forgive and Let Go (again and again...): This has been a huge year of forgiveness--both for myself and for some painful relationships of my past. I find that as I have been faithful to step out in this season that Satan has loved reminding me of the past, bringing up old wounds and making me feel insignificant. Once I was able to see it for what it was--lies and attacks from the enemy--I was able to receive God's forgiveness and extend forgiveness once again to those who have hurt me. There is nothing worse than holding on to old resentments and bitterness if you are trying to be faithful to God. "First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matt 5:24).
- Relationships in my 30s: I have realized entering my 30s, that I need to approach relationships a little differently. There is a tricky balance between being OPEN and NOT SETTLING. I have experienced the pain of both. Being so open that I ignore my intuitions which tell me that this person is not a life partner. But also being so narrow in my "standards" or ideas of an ideal mate that I close myself off to great guys. The tendency I think for many 30-yr old females is to settle because they become desperate. I can see that temptation, but I am not willing to live miserably. This year has been an active year of dating, and in the midst of it all, I have learned a lot about this balance--both to trust my gut a little more as well as to define what my non-negotiables are and stick to them. I don't feel like I have to make anything happen to change my relationship status, but I think I feel more equipped to know how to identify a life partner, rather than just a quality guy. In the meantime, I am perfectly content being single and living undividedly for the Lord (I Cor. 7:33-35). That is where He has me now, and it is a GOOD place to be.
- Remembering, Contentment and Hope: In hopes to wrap up this really long blog entry, I will end with this. In order to have hope for the future, I am realizing that it's important to remember God's faithfulness in my past, as well as find an acceptance for the present. Deuteronomy 6:12 says, "...take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery." When in the midst of trials and tribulation, we forget. We easily resort to old fears and choose unbelief. That is why it is SO important to take time to remember. My remembrance stone from 2011 is the day I got the phone call in early September when I was at my midnight hour. God provided a job that was above and beyond my greatest imagination. How could He not do the same again? How I long to hear these words from the Lord, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master" (Matthew 25:21). It's in accepting and living fully in my present, that I bring pleasure and glory to the Master. Hope, then, is just an overflow of the heart that has found complete trust in a trustworthy God. This may take a lifetime to learn, but the Lord is truly discipling me in this season. And at the end of the day, that is His will for His people--no matter what stage of life or circumstance we find ourselves in. May I be more like Christ in 2012--a little wiser, a little more humble, a little more gracious, a little more faithful. 


Okay. 2,000+ words later... bring on the New Year!!

Cousins & Baby Nieces

Us 25 years ago. Practically sisters.

Raquel & Lilliana

Lilliana: 2 mos.

Nikki & Bekah

Bekah: 18 mos.

Taxiing in the "Not Yet" Zone

One word that has really resonated with my current season is this idea of taxiing on a plane.

When I moved out to Long Beach 7 months ago, I had high hopes for how it all would unfold. I assumed that I would have a few more things figured out by now. But the reality is, I am still very much in the thick of my transition. God has provided abundant, temporary provisions for me. Yet, I still have huge questions looming as I look towards the future.

I feel like I have landed. I'm here in Long Beach. A place I have come to love and call home. I can see out my window and see all that I came here for. I am experiencing tastes of what doing ministry in the city looks like. I am waiting, watching, legs cramped, exhausted, anticipating. So close. Yet, not quite there. Got my bags, ready to go. Yet, I am at the mercy of the pilot and his cue to empty the plane.

I feel so ready to jump out and start putting some of these deep, inward convictions into practice. To love and work towards the shalom of the city. I'm ready to be immersed. To be radically changed. For my heart's capacity to love to be stretched. To be surprised by God's work all around me. To join Him in it.

Yet, the practicality of finding a full-time job has put my life at a standstill. I find myself at the end of 2011 with a status update of "not yet."

To take this analogy another step forward, I feel like I have been privileged to fly first class in this temporary transition. God has blessed me with abundant provisions--an incredible home and people who have taken me in as family, beautiful children which give me so much joy and life, two incredible jobs that allow me to work with some incredible people, friendships that will last a lifetime, and opportunities to serve in the church and community.

However, planes were built to fly you from one destination to another. We're not meant to settle on the plane. We're meant to land and get off. And such is the nature of my transition. I was never meant to settle here. Which, at times, can make the in between a hard place to be.

If I allow myself to zoom out at the bigger picture, I realize that my view of what's ahead might be a little short-sighted:

Words from a wise man, "Consider the ‘long-view’. 'Don’t try to transform your neighborhood or city this year. Give it time. If you stay in a place for 30 years, you’ll be surprised what God does.' Buy a house. Have children. Develop friendships. Consider the Jeremiah strategy, not just Jonah’s'."

This wisdom is just a reminder to me that God's plans or timeline is not my own. He sees the bigger picture, where my human mind can only conceive what's in front of me. Most times, out of good intentions, I am so eager to move. But in my eagerness, I can also move ahead of God. The "not yet's" are just as important as the "yes's" from God. And endurance is what is needed in order to encounter long-term change.


So as I look towards 2012, I am both hopeful and learning to trust that the plan that God has laid out is what's best. That is why I'm here. Not for my own agenda. So I must be patient, ask God to strengthen my waiting muscles, and  help me be faithful in the "not yet" moments of my life.


Let me take my cues from Jeremiah and learn what it means to endure with hope.

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 
and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  
and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts 
through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5).

Smitten

My little firefly.

He lights up my life.

Humility, Grace, and Thanksgiving

My church has been soaking in Genesis for the last few months, but lately chapters 2-3 have really been rocking my world. Genesis has been a sobering reminder of what God's intentions were for mankind, how easily man succumbed to sin, and how we can trace so much of our current problems in the world to the Fall.

Recognizing the gravity of my sin and the curse is deeply humbling. Here were some personal reflections that came out of meditating on these chapters.


The story of Adam of Eve just became extremely personal.
I see myself in the story of the Fall.
And I see the residue of the Fall all around me.
Satan is so deceptive and knows how to discreetly sow seeds of doubt, telling me that God cannot be trusted.
He whispers lies that make me feel small, insignificant, and unloved.
He twists the truth making sin seem harmless and satisfying.
I minimize my sin, generalize it, and do everything I can to escape its consequences.
I point the finger and blame, play the victim.
Shame and fear keep me hiding from those I love and those who love me.
At times, I'd rather live in condemnation because I have a hard time accepting a grace that is completely unearned. 
I am willing to settle for a conditional love which is completely dependent on my ability to perform, serve, and give.
I busy myself with things to avoid having to deal with the pain of loneliness and separation from God.
I, like man, work to survive because I am a single woman who has to care for herself.
I let the power of man "rule over me" and look to him for my worth.
Created for relationship, yet function in a self-sufficient way that avoids appearing weak or revealing my brokenness for fear of being a burden on others.
The curse. I know it so well.

There is such a fine line between condemnation and humility. For someone who can easily swing from complete denial of my sin to someone who also is incredible hard on myself, it is both good for me to take time to reflect on the sadness of sin and how it separates us from God. But, it is also incredibly important to recognize that this was NOT as God intended and NOT who I am in my fullness.

If we allowed ourselves to stay in the mindset of the Fall fixating on the soberness of our sinful state, this would lead us to despair. We would completely negate the work of the cross and God's ultimate grace displayed through Jesus. 

"Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus... For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace" (Romans 6:8-11,14).

However, when we forget where we came from and live our lives recklessly and pridefully apart from God, we "cheapen" the grace that "cost" Christ so much on our behalf (as Bonhoeffer writes about in "Cost of Discipleship").

"What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? ...For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death." (Romans 6:15-16, 20-21).

A heart that humbly accepts the propensity of God's grace is quick and unyielding to say, "where would I be, if not for your grace..." Humility must be a starting point if we want to be more grateful people.

In my pride and blindedness, I can easily become demanding with God: "Why don't I have these things in my life? Why me, Lord? You are so unfair." But who am I to make light of God's incredible mercy towards me? "And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them" (3:21). God could have easily just kicked Adam and Eve to the curb for having disobeyed him. But rather, God showed compassion, and made clothes for them. This was NOT His best for them and they would have to live with the consequences of their sin, but this was not the end of the story. The Lord's trigger finger was mercy.

When I see this story in light of God's mercy, I am in awe. Why would God choose to love someone like me who has nothing to offer Him and constantly chooses to live for myself instead of Christ? Grace. When I stop and think about God's grace.... I am completely humbled. That's the gospel. Thankfulness becomes the natural overflow of a heart that comes to accept God's grace for what it is... completely unearned, abundant, and good.

I am coming to see what Paul meant when he said: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God's grace is enough. At times it feels more abundant than others, but it is always enough. May the Lord keep my heart humble, dependent on His grace, and deeply thankful. It's not natural, but I believe this is the road to freedom.

****************************

So with that, here's some simple, yet profound words which struck me this week from Michael Ramsey, former Archbishop of Canterbury:

"How to Grow in Humility"

Thank God often.

Take care of the confession of your sin.

Be ready to accept humiliation.

Do not be worried about status.

Use your sense of humor (laugh often; be serious, but never solemn).

My Home Away from Home

I couldn't be any more grateful for this beautiful family and how they have welcomed me into their home....

Isaac & Chloe getting dirty

Marcus, a.k.a. "Bug-a-boo"

Chloe behind the wheel

Play time

Celebrating this amazing woman's birthday

Andre & Gaby: mentors, housemates, friends

Unsettled and Settling

When I moved in with a family from my church earlier this summer, I was thinking 2-3 months was about the time frame that I would need in this time of transition.
I put my stuff in temporary storage (aka: my friends' guest bedroom in her house).
And brought maybe 15% of my belongings with me.
My thinking was--2-3 months, I would have a job.
I would be looking for an apartment.
This season was meant to be short-term.

Now 4 months later, I find myself in a very different situation.
Grateful to have 2 part-time jobs that I love and are a huge blessing (although one is short-term).
Building relationships with others who are passionate about the city of Long Beach and are making me fall in love with this place.
Feeling more and more at home living with this family.
Enjoying 3 beautiful kids which bring me so much joy and life.
Getting to live alongside one of the most amazing women I know and respect.
Okay with living simply. Who knew that I wouldn't miss the other 85% of my stuff?
Inheriting free furniture along the way (anticipating the move) but for now makes my room look like a storage closet.
The list goes on...

Current State of my Room 

This picture really captures this season in a nutshell.
A mattress just waiting to be used next to a desk where I work from home, both currently blocking my closet.
Not quite settled, yet functioning.
Unideal, yet gifts in disguise.

Sure, I would love to have full-time meaningful work with benefits right now.
I would love to be living in an apartment closer to the Westside where my church is invested in ministry.
I would love to have space to be volunteering my time to things I love.

But this is not the plan that the Lord has laid out for me right now.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of hoping that some sort of "normalcy" (whatever that is) will bring the peace and rest that I am looking for.
But this lie keeps us constantly spinning our wheels.
Striving, and yet missing out on the many gifts of today.
Maybe my picture of what's normal is not what the Lord has.
Or necessarily what is best.

Up until this point, resting was hard without having certain things secured in my life.
In the midst of the unsettledness which currently exists, I have choices to make.
Will I choose to believe in the good that each day holds?
Beyond my circumstances.
Beyond my relationship status.
Beyond my job status.
Beyond my financial status.
Beyond these other things that the world promises will bring the settledness we all long for as humans.

Somehow, God's promise to me a few weeks ago, "He settles the solitary in a home" (Ps 68:6) is bearing fruit.
Maybe just not in the ways I originally thought He would settle me.

Good News!!

I've picked up a new part-time dream job (well, at least for the next couple months)!!! 

Even though it is not permanent, this is seriously an extravagant gift right from the hand of the Father cause it had nothing to do with me, and the timing of it was right at the midnight hour.
Isn't that how God often works? At least, He likes to keep me waiting...

This one just fell on my lap.

Here's a little synopsis:

I met with the man this morning who will now be my boss! As I am walking up to the office where I am to meet him, he is sitting on the stairs chatting it up with some of the community members and volunteers. He greets me, and within the first 5 minutes of our conversation, he says "Don't worry. You don't have to be nervous or try to impress me. You've already been highly recommended, so if you're interested, I already want to hire you." I'm completely floored by his directness and warmth. As I take a deep breath, the conversation only gets better... 

He basically laid out the vision of Vision360 which is a national church planting movement which plans to focus its ministry here in Long Beach. They are getting ready to launch at the end of October. He is needing me for the next 2 months to help him with this big introductory event which includes local pastors, businessmen, and community leaders in the city. My pastor is actually on the board for this organization. It's an amazing opportunity for me to network and to be plunged into a CCDA-type movement right here in Long Beach!! (CCDA is the Community Development organization that I have been connected to for the last couple years).  

Here's a video which will give you a snapshot of what Vision360 is all about:

Vision 360 - Introduction from Ryan Prouty on Vimeo 

It's only a short-term assignment and is part-time, but in combination with my other part-time job working with my friend's guitar teaching business, it should tie me over until the end of November. AND I'll still have time to be looking for a full-time job. At the very least, it will provide invaluable contacts with other urban practioners who are committed to the transformation of the city.

I am so blown away by God's love and provision! This assignment is clearly an answer to prayer on so many levels!!  I don't know what my life will look like beyond mid-November which is my end date, but I am hopeful that God is up to something and this is just the beginning. :)

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human mind has conceived, 
the things which God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Cor. 2:9).

Floating in the "In Between"

2/3s of the year is gone.
1/3 of the year remains.
I don't normally think of my years in equal fractions, but there seems to be a correlation of seasons that align well.

The first 1/3 (Jan - Apr) was filled with celebration and closure.
I had my "last" meetings, one-on-ones, hiring of a staff I would not supervise, and for the RD who would replace me, and final banquets and goodbyes in Res Life.
I counted down the final days of my 20s and gave a welcome hello to my 30s.
Although sad to say goodbye to things which have brought me so much joy in the last few years, there was much anticipation of what this new season would hold.

In a very different season, the second 1/3 (May - Aug) has been filled with risk and stepping out.
This picture captures it perfectly.
I call it the "in between" space.
The open space where the trapeze artist lets go of the rope which is holding them securely in the air only to hope that their partner will catch them on the other side.
Floating in mid-air.
Seconds which probably feel like years.
Risking. Trusting. Hoping.
Feeling completely and utterly dependent.

This second 1/3 has been filled with all of the above.
I stepped out this past May and ran my very first half marathon, a goal that I had put off for the past 4 years. The risk for me was believing in myself that I would follow through with a challenge that I had set for myself, no matter how hard the training got.
I also stepped out and risked dating again. A risk which meant being willing to open up my heart again which was very significant for my healing process.
I risked musically... plunging myself into gospel style piano when there was a need for a keyboardist at my church, leading worship WHILE playing piano and singing, and giving free vocal coaching to an at-risk youth in order to help in her recovery process. All of which involved me putting myself out there and potentially exposing my limited and rusty skills for the sake of serving another.
But probably one of the biggest risks that I took was stepping out of my comfy, cozy job and and furnished apartment in order to be obedient to God's call to the city.
A risk taken, which for some in this economy, may not completely make sense.

I knew that whenever I stepped out from Res Life that major change was ahead.
But I also knew that if I let myself ignore God's nudging on my heart to be obedient to this calling towards the city, then my life would end up on a very different trajectory.
Fear would have its way.
And I'd be settling for what felt easy.
So I stepped out.
Into the great unknown.
Not putting my hope in the economy.
But rather in God.

As I look back on my life, I have learned that it is in the risking that we grow.
Not risking for the sake of risk.
But risking for the sake of obedience.
Most humans don't like that space "in between" because we feel very much out of control.
But I am convinced that growth doesn't happen when we settle for what's comfortable.

I may not necessarily enjoy all of the risks that God has led me into this season.
But if it is a matter of saying yes to fear versus saying yes to God, then heck yes...
I'm stepping out.

I don't know what this next 1/3 of the year holds, but I know that the safety net of God's will and provision is much more secure than anything I could fashion in my illusive grasp for control and comfort.

"Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life." - Donald Miller in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Usefulness or Relationship?

In a society that places your worth on your productivity, position, and trophies on your bookshelf, I needed to be reminded of this.

"Do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rather rejoice because your names are written in heaven." —Luke 10:20  

Jesus Christ is saying here, “Don’t rejoice in your successful service for Me, but rejoice because of your right relationship with Me.” The trap you may fall into in Christian work is to rejoice in successful service— rejoicing in the fact that God has used you. Yet you will never be able to measure fully what God will do through you if you have a right-standing relationship with Jesus Christ. If you keep your relationship right with Him, then regardless of your circumstances or whoever you encounter each day, He will continue to pour “rivers of living water” through you (John 7:38). And it is actually by His mercy that He does not let you know it. Once you have the right relationship with God through salvation and sanctification, remember that whatever your circumstances may be, you have been placed in them by God. And God uses the reaction of your life to your circumstances to fulfill His purpose, as long as you continue to “walk in the light as He is in the light” (1 John 1:7). 

Our tendency today is to put the emphasis on service. Beware of the people who make their request for help on the basis of someone’s usefulness. If you make usefulness the test, then Jesus Christ was the greatest failure who ever lived. For the saint, direction and guidance come from God Himself, not some measure of that saint’s usefulness. It is the work that God does through us that counts, not what we do for Him. All that our Lord gives His attention to in a person’s life is that person’s relationship with God— something of great value to His Father. Jesus is “bringing many sons to glory . . .” (Hebrews 2:10).

-- excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers

The Other 9.1%

Let's be honest...

UNEMPLOYMENT SUCKS.

Finding a job is a full-time job.
You work so hard going through the daily grind of job searching, constant resume and cover letter updating, making phone calls, exhausting your resources...
Only to wake up and do it all again the next day.
Meanwhile, watching your bank account dwindle...
Trying to make ends meet by taking odd jobs.
Your supposedly empty schedule becomes very full with endless tasks...
Because the list never goes away until you find a job.
Anxiety and fear creeps in.
You develop a plan B, C, D, and E.
Trying to be hopeful, open, flexible, but bordering desperation.
Ideals dwindle, and a job just becomes about survival.

Identity, rocked.
Security, unsure.
Anxiety, high.
Faith, tested.

I struggled writing tonight because this all feels so messy, so raw.
But it's honest.
I am being rocked on every level.
Yet, so is almost 9.1% of America.
I have a newfound compassion for the unemployed.

When I allow myself to zoom out on my life,
I have to believe that there is purpose in this season.
Even if it be a time of refinement in my faith,
growth in compassion for the poor and sojourner who face this on a daily basis,
or to be reminded of where my true identity lies.

My only hope is in Him and His promises.
God knows my needs and sees me.
He promises to provide.
It won't always be this way.

What would I do without the hope I have in Jesus?
What does the other 9.1% do?

"On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand."

Made in God's Image

Once again, Robert Lupton completely blows me away. In this book, he shares in little vignettes how his experiences from inner city ministry completely exposed God's heart for the poor and transformed Him in the process. I've just begun this book, but I can barely put it down. Here's a chapter that will rub you in really good ways. I just had to share it.

THE IMAGE OF GOD
Behold, an infant. A normal man-child in most respects. A kind-natured child. A child with promise and potential.
Watch him as he enters a rancid, smoke-filled world that resounds with the shouts and crashes of parents in conflict. Listen to him as he begins to compete for affection and food, and finds both forms of nourishment in short supply. His cries and soon his words become demanding. He pushes and grasps for strong boundaries that will assure him he is safe and loved, but finds only weak indulgence. No clear limits. No consistent discipline. Just impulsive beatings and permissive disinterest from parents preoccupied with their own survival. He begins to question his own worth. School confirms his suspicions. He drops out. He roams the streets at will, disguising his fear as nonchalance.
Behold a young man. A kind-natured, strong, undisciplined young man. Watch him as he falls in love, marries, and starts a family of his own. See his dreams begin to crumble as he loses one job, then another. He is evicted from a string of dingy apartments. His neighbors and "friends" spread rumors of child abuse and deprivation. The county takes four of his children. His wife loses respect for him. He is falsely accused of beastiality, arrested, and thrown in jail. Watch now as inmates and officials violate him. Watch as the last glimmer of dignity is choked out.
Behold a man. A broken man, scarcely forty. Parents dead. Rejected by his family. He walks the streets alone, head bent, shoulders stooped, hair matted, teeth rotting, drool running down his unshaven chin. A kind-natured man now babbling foolishly a salad of loosely connected thoughts and phrases... He is prideless, worthless to his wife and children than the social worker that issues their food stamps.
Watch now as a miracle unfolds. A metamorphosis! The wind of the Spirit of God blows through and about Lester's life. A man made in the image of God and reduced to nearly animal form is slowly being restored. God begins to convince Lester that he has worth, that he is loved.
The message comes from many sources. A family who invites Lester and his family for a picnic. A businessman who continues to hire, fire, and rehire Lester on a job, insisting on a standard of responsible work yet holding on to Lester with firm love. People who notice and praise Lester when he is bathed, shaved, or wearing clean clothes. A person who accepts a gift from Lester without chiding him for "taking food out of his children's mouths." A minister who prays with Lester. A counselor who intervenes to cool flaring family tempers and helps Lester expose his festering hurt and anger to the sunlight of God's acceptance. The people of God, the Church, become actors in the unfolding drama of re-creation while the wind of the Spirit breathes in new life.
What potential is confined within this unattractive shell we know as Lester? Who knows save the Creator himself? But of this we are certain: when Lester prays or weeps with joy, when he caresses his baby boy, we see the image of God.


If we believe that each person is created in the Image of God, then it is the the ministry of the Church through the Holy Spirit to remind the poor of their dignity and their worth when the world reduces them to nothing.

For theirs is the kingdom.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matt 5:3).

Promise for the Solitary

A few days ago, I was practicing some "Lectio Divina" with Psalm 68, particularly verses 4-10, and the Lord met me in a powerful way. As I rehearsed and listened to these verses over and over again, and paused in between each phrase I was particularly struck by verse 6.

⁴Sing to God, sing praises to his name;
    lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts;
his name is the LORD;
   exult before him!
⁵ Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
   is God in his holy habitation.
⁶God settles the solitary in a home;
   he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
   but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.
 ⁷O God, when you went out before your people,
    when you marched through the wilderness,
⁸ the earth quaked, the heavens poured down rain,
   before God, the One of Sinai,
   before God, the God of Israel.
⁹ Rain in abundance, O God, you shed abroad;
   you restored your inheritance as it languished;
¹⁰your flock found a dwelling in it;
   in your goodness, O God, you provided for the needy.

This passage reveals that God has a special compassion towards the fatherless and the widow. He not only sees them, but He promises to provide for them at their most vulnerable and desperate place: "God settles the solitary in a home."

I completely resonate with being a solitary person. I grew up with an absent father. I am single. I am living on the complete opposite side of the country than my family.

This promise speaks deeply to me. Both the word "settle" and "home" are powerful words for a solitary person. The last thing we feel at times are settled or a sense of at-homeness in this world.

Where do we call home? Who do we belong to? Who is our family? All questions which lie at our deepest core as human beings.

In reading this passage, I was reminded of ways that my Heavenly Father has so graciously revealed this promise to me in this season by not only providing a physical roof over my head and a family that has completely adopted me, but He is also settling me emotionally and spiritually in a home more deeply with Him.

I am grateful to know that in God's family, I am promised that I will always have a place to call home. Sometimes, God allows us to experience a taste of home on this side of heaven in a physical location, a church, or relationships.

But I believe this promise speaks to something deeper in our souls. It speaks to who we are at our very core: We are His. Therefore, we belong.

"God settles the solitary in a home," or in other words, "in Him."

More than Ever

Over the last few weeks, I was given the opportunity to work on a music project for an event that my church was doing. It evolved into more of a rap song... conversation went as follows:

Michelle: "I've secretly always wanted to rap. Ya know, like Lauryn Hill. They used to call me 'Chelleboogie' in college." Daniel: [chuckles under his breath, yet being modest] "Yeah that's cool." Michelle: "Would you ever be open to doing a rap together?" Daniel: "haha... sure."

(1 day later...) 

Sue: "We need some acts for the BreakOut Community Event. Michelle, wanna do a song?" Michelle: [thinking to previous conversation] "Maybe. Hmmm. Well. Ok? How about a rap?" Sue: "YES!!! I'm signing you up." Michelle: "Uh, ok." 

Michelle: "So about that rap we talked about... wanna do it?" Daniel: "For real? Uh... sure." [clearly hesitant] Michelle: "Cool! Let's do it." [thinking: Oh my gosh! What did I just get myself into?]

We eventually roped in Alex Carpenter, master vocalist to do main vocals, and our group is complete. After a few practices this is what we came up with. It captures me and Daniel's testimony of growing up without a father and how God redeemed our stories. We felt like this was incredibly relevant given how many children grow up without a dad in the city. So we thought we'd share our story through an original song which could be a blessing to the community.

Instrumentals written by Michelle Santis. 

Vocals written by Alex Carpenter. 

Lyrics written by Daniel Castillo and Michelle Santis.

CHORUS 1

Where have you been?

And where have you gone?

I need you now more than ever

I need someone to care

Someone to be there

Cause I always feel like I’m alone

VERSE 1: Michelle

Daddy, where were you on my first day of Kindergarten?

Thank you for the cards

To remind me I was not forgotten.

Your money, your lies, your alcohol. Addicted.

Your love and affection was all I ever really wanted.

Tell me I am beautiful, smart, strong, loved

Hoping for relationship, all I was dreaming of

But you don’t even know me, the pain and prayers

Cause you weren’t there.

Daddy, did you even care?

CHORUS 1

Where have you been?

And where have you gone?

I need you now more than ever

I need someone to care

Someone to be there

Cause I always feel like I’m alone

VERSE 2: Daniel

I had a hard time growing up

Man of the house, still wasn’t old enough

No father, no love, anger just filling up

Six kids, no food, had to get my dough up,

So I took it to the streets, got to be sho nuff

Big homie, gun in hand, this is how you man up,

Feeling nervous, praying, just as we rolled up,

Got to slow it down, my father just showed up.

CHORUS 1

Where have you been?

And where have you gone?

I need you now more than ever

I need someone to care

Someone to be there

Cause I always feel like I’m alone

BRIDGE: Alex

I’ve been walking in the dark

I have strayed so very far

From what I know is true

Now I see your hand, so clear

You’ve seen each and every tear

Father, help me believe

VERSE 3: Michelle & Daniel

Thank you Lord for bringing down the Spirit

You protected us, Your love, I can really feel it

You called us Your own, gave us a home

Adopted in Your family, now I never have to be alone

Healed us from our brokenness, helped us to forgive

You are the example, taught us how to live

This is my testimony for all you to hear

Thank you Lord for always being there

CHORUS 2

Where have you been?

And where have you gone?

I need you now more than ever

But now I know you care

And you’ll always be there

I never need to be alone

ENDING

I never need to be alone

Cuz you’ll always be there

Remembering Aaron Vaughn

After the tragic chopper crash in Afghanistan this past weekend where 22 Elite Navy Seals died, which included my high school friend Aaron Vaughn, I was asked by ABC local news to be interviewed.

Aaron, may your life, your story, the dedication and sacrifice that you made for this country, and your unflinching faith in Christ live well beyond your years.

To Love requires Risk

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

- CS Lewis, The Four Loves

Mercies in Disguise

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is revealing of a greater thirst that this world cannot satisfy. What if the trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise."

A Generous God

I don't have a difficult time believing that God will provide for my basic needs... food, shelter, clothing.
But, I do have a difficult time believing that God wants to be generous with me.
Is that because I feel entitled to certain things?
I am willing to admit that my definition of what makes God generous is a little skewed.

Today, I found myself discouraged and having difficulty believing that God wants to be generous with me.
It's so easy to look at others' lives and the ways that God had been generous with them, and wonder "Why not me, Lord?"
"Why must I continue to struggle and face this barrier?"
[cricket, cricket]

Tonight, as I read Matthew 20:1-15, I am forced to ask a different question:

"For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard. About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went. He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’ ‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered.  He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.' When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’ The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’ But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’ So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

It's easy to read this passage and struggle with the question, Is God being generous or unfair?
Well, if at the core of what I believe is that I will succeed or receive what I want if I perform in a certain way, then yes, the landowner would be considered very unfair.
But, if at the core of what I believe is that I am poor and needy, and the landowner gave me an opportunity to work for the day and get paid (whether that be 1 hr or 12), then I would say that he was generous.
Perspective is everything in this story.
Of who the workers were in relation to the landowner.
And the same is true for us.
Having a proper perspective of who we are in relation to the Almighty God will reveal what the true answer is.
God is incredibly generous with us simply because He loves us, not because we have earned His favor.

I was convicted as I read this passage because I realize how I all too often go to God with a set of expectations that He will work in a certain way in my life, and if He doesn't, I judge God as unfair.
I would never admit this out loud, but this is so often what I do.

God may not promise to answer my prayers exactly as I expect Him to, but He does promise to stay true to His character.
God's character never changes.
And His love for me is steadfast.

Jehovah Jireh.
My Provider.
The God who brought down manna to the grumbling Israelites.
The God who saw Hagar and Ishmael dying in the desert and provided a well.
The God who hears Nehemiah's plead to rebuild his beloved war-torn city of Jerusalem.
The God who sees the Hellenistic Jews being overlooked and gives them a seat of power of the distribution of food.
This same God sees and hears me.
Knows what I need before I even ask for any of it.
And is already working on my behalf.
Differently than I am probably anticipating.
But He is working.
And He does promise to provide.
And His provision is always generous when we can recognize that there is nothing in our strength, will, or goodness which can secure anything for ourselves apart from the grace of God.

May I wait in anticipation of this generous God and be a recipient of His daily graces with a heart of gratitude.
Lord, forgive me for my short-sightedness and desire to always be in control. Help me to receive from You as You long to lavish good gifts to Your children.

Let the words of this great hymn encourage your hearts to more deeply trust our Generous God as it has mine.